The Forgiveable Journey Of The Cheated

21. If You're Going to Take the Crazy Train, Might As Well Do Crazy Things

Eve’s hurt and twisted view pursues her to the South where they continue to poison her receptivity to Dan’s sincere gestures of affection and love. 

During a walk on the beach, Dan remarks he’s “on the beach with a beautiful girl”. Yes of course he is referring to Eve, but her reflex is to look around to find the beautiful girl. When she realizes that he is talking about her, she thinks, “but not as beautiful as Charlotte” in silent reply. While they walk, all she does is scan women’s bodies and compare them to hers. She feels fat and bloated, jiggly when she walks, despite her size 2. She can’t help but look down and eye her belly, and wish it were flat and anaemic, that her skin be tanned and caramel, surely as Charlotte’s must be. These thoughts make her feel sick, as does seeing a young pretty girl hanging on to the arm of an older man, all coquettish. 

She wishes she were something or someone else. 

She sees the reflection of her breasts in the full length mirror of their hotel room and her first thought is “old lady boobs!” She is then again overwhelmed by the notion that perhaps Dan would have preferred to have pursued his course with Charlotte, to be there with young, pretty, classy and skinny Charlotte (who surely has perky boobs). She wonders if her discussions with other guests at the hotel would have been scrutinized and evaluated by Dan as Eve’s are. She wonders if what came out of Charlotte’s mouth would sound like bells tinkling. She imagines that Charlotte would be considered a thing of beauty for everyone to behold, and Dan would sit on his bar stool, proud and endlessly placing his hand on her knee, claiming her. He could have been at this tropical hotel with his prize for three years of lying despite the ill ease of it all. 

For Eve, she is a mere second place, a convivial choice by all means. No mess or life altering changes. And what’s more, Eve is (now) a willing partner for sexual release. This is OK, thinks Eve. She can adapt. Sex first, love second. Actually, love may not even be necessary beyond an occasional empty declaration. 

After such moments, near the end of the day, her anger turns inward and directed at herself, for having let herself talk to herself in that way. “This is not me” she thinks. “I’m broken”. These are not her priorities, these are not her values. What is a stranger doing in her head and body? She would have judged this stranger for such a vain and unhealthy perspective on love and life and self. She would have probably condemned someone for staying after such a betrayal. She thus judges herself, and she judges herself for judging herself - a limitless insight, multiplied and amplified for infinity.

There is no end to it, just the start.

She supposes that values of love, honesty, reliability, of being there when you are needed are disposable and erodible. She had believed them to be entrenched in her relationship. She appears to have taken them for granted. 

Her cognitive overdrive leads to fitful dreams during her vacation. Eve has five, one night after the other. 

Dream 1. Dan and Eve are in the RAV. They have just left the city limits and Dan turns up a forested road. They drive around a curve to an opening in the forest and Charlotte’s car is there. It is not clear if she is waiting there for Dan, or for Eve, but appears to intend to piss someone off. Despite the fact that Eve, in real life, had still not found the geographic location of the “perfect place”, she knew this was it. And, in real life, it was.

Dream 2. Eve went to pick Dan up from work and Charlotte came out of the building and walked straight up to the car. She starts telling Eve that she now works with Dan in the same office. She tells Eve that she made this move to be closer to Dan, to make him regret. She tells Eve that Dan is trying to be cold toward her, but his charade is starting to wear off. She tells Eve that she wants to make her unhappy so that Dan will see that he made the wrong choice. She won’t stop until she succeeds. And in real life, Charlotte was trying unsuccessfully. 

Dream 3. Eve finds herself in a large storage locker and Charlotte is there as well. There is a mattress leaning up against the wall. There is a clear plastic bag lying next to it containing sheets and a blanket. Charlotte doesn’t say a word, but Eve understands that this too is a “perfect place”. And in real life, there is a second perfect place that Eve will never learn of even though she strongly suspects it exists. 

Dream 4. Eve is in her friend Laura’s kitchen. Charlotte is there too and she looks lovely. She tells Eve to give up trying to look nice, that her efforts are ridiculous. She tells Eve that she is ridiculous, that she has no chance at being pretty and charming. She says “you are old and ugly” and “he loves you as a friend, but he’s in love with me. That’s why he wants to fuck me, and that’s why he dreams about me. He wants me, so stop trying to be me. You’re failing royally!” Charlotte then proceeds to tell Eve how the relationship evolved from sex in the parking lot to repeated messages from Dan saying that he wants to be with her. And in real life, all of this was true. 

You can imagine that Eve continued to silently cry at night. It is no surprise that tears would fill her eyes frequently over the course of the vacation. Dan would notice and ask what was wrong, then he would sigh in relief when she respected rule 1 (never say you’re sad). 

Then on the 5th night, no Charlotte. Just Liam. They were sitting in a truck together. He was simply talking to her, speaking as he drove. He said “send me more messages. I like them. They make me feel better about the whole thing. I thought I was the asshole, the failure. Now I know I’m not. Promise?”  He looked sincere and friendly. 

When Eve wakes up from this dream, it is 2 am. She feels happy, peaceful. Her secret friend had visited almost too late into her trip. When she realizes she is having forbidden thoughts, she is once again overcome with new sadness, though this sadness feels more temporary than the pervasive sadness that has been holding her heart and head hostage. Plus, it is accompanied by a vague sensation of hope. Liam’s reassuring dream state words made her feel that it could be possible to be happier. It also triggered her urge to write to him. 

After this dream, she better appreciates the remaining days of her trip. Yet upon returning home, like a conditioned rat, her brain starts spinning once again.