The Forgiveable Journey Of The Cheated

20. The Pervasive Troubled Train Track

Seeing as Liam is no longer a threat in Dan’s eyes, and that Eve is apparently keeping herself busy, seems emotionally stable (to not say dissociated), and doesn’t appear to be drinking alone, Dan decides to go for a ten-day trek in Peru with the vacation time he had saved up. He makes half-hearted invitations for Eve to join him, but she detects insincerity. She pulls out a twisted lens and wonders if Charlotte and Dan had planned to go together. Perhaps he is disappointed to see his plans modified from their original version.

If his invitations seem half-hearted, it’s because they are. He’s looking forward to getting away from Eve who is being so good, but who cannot entirely hide an emotional undercurrent and is revealing little about what is going on in her head and heart (thank God, he thinks). 

A few times in the weeks prior to leaving, she catches him lost in his thoughts. She asks him what he is thinking about. She feels uplifted by the possibility that he too is preoccupied and that she may be able to gain some insight into these preoccupations. She wonders if he thinks about Charlotte, if he worries about Eve, if he regrets choices. She is thoroughly and unfairly disappointed when he simply states that he is looking forward to his trip. 

The word “Lucky” escapes her mouth. Her first reaction is to envy his ability to focus on such a project while surrounded by a tumultuous sea of misery, but then again, it is her sea, not his. 

Dan takes her response as a reproach and feels the need to justify. “I’ve worked hard to get in shape for this trip. I’m proud of what I’ve done so far!” He almost adds that there are very few things of which he is proud. He suspects her reaction has something to do with the fact that she thinks about the things for which he is not proud, while he enjoys the benefits of thinking about something positive. He feels frustrated that she doesn’t appear to grasp the intensity of how sorry he is about “the whole thing”. 

His interpretation is just. Eve is wishing that she had something to be proud of. She is not proud of her going craziness. She is not proud of staying with Dan. She would never have recommended doing so to her own enemy, and this is further confirmed through her firsthand experience. She feels foolish before her friends and colleagues. She even feels foolish before Dan’s friends and colleagues, the ones who know, including those she never met. She wishes she wasn’t the person his colleagues look at and wonder which faults of hers, physical or attitudinal, made her so unattractive to Dan, or even worse, wonder how weak and self-loathing she must be to stay with him after what he did (and with whom he did it). Some are surely bewildered about why he didn’t stick with the ever so beautiful Charlotte, especially after all that time! Eve is surely scrutinized and compared, and unfortunately, she is having difficulty fathoming which comparisons she could win. Yes, she wishes that she could just experience the feeling of being proud, of being able to hold her head high. But now she hangs it low with the shame of being one who could be easily left behind, walked over, and still stay despite the obvious fact that she had been betrayed, disrespected, unloved and rejected. 

But today she sees that Dan is making an effort. He asks her about her projects for a musical blog. He tells her she is pretty in Canadian Tire (how romantic). He tells her she’s a good cook. She answers in her half-hearted I don’t really believe you voice, “thank you”, and wonders who is coaching him to say such niceties, to what extent he is being sincere, and how he must have practiced on someone else. 

Surprisingly, once Dan leaves for Peru, Eve feels lighter. She no longer needs to be a Stepford wife. She happily to observes that she spontaneously cuts down on wine, which prevents a lot of drunk texting and easier restraint from writing to Liam. Within a week of Dan’s departure, she is awed by the fact that she feels good. She tells her colleagues that she thinks she may be shifting into a manic episode, so intense is her feeling of elation. To get out of the house, she attends a high-school volleyball game where she delights in seeing the parents of her children’s friends and benefits from renewing with them while wearing a genuine smile on her face. Comments about the weight loss are met with lies about getting back into shape now that the boys are more independent. She easily engages in conversations with the people sitting around her, including a man, not really her type, who flirted with her relentlessly. She flirted back.