I Love You Still

Chapter 2.The Return

July 14th 2010

''Jamie, Murtagh has arrived!'' Mam calls me from downstairs. I stand up from the bed and place the picture of Claire back on my nightstand I had been staring at it for atleast an hour now. The therapy had some weird effect on me but I couldn't really place it. It wasn't a good feeling but it wasn't so bad either. I let it rest as much as possible and try to move on with my life. Go back to work, more social activities and perhaps in a few months I would go and live on my own again.

I realised I'd been thinking for a few minutes and everyone was waiting downstairs. I walked towards the stairs and I could see Murtagh standing in the hall with his bag. With a deep breath I went down and greeted Dad who was sitting on the couch.

''Ah Jamie!'' he says when he sees me. I give him a smile and he pulls me in a tight hug. Murtagh has never been much of a hugger but ever since Claire had passed he has been so much more gently and sweet. ''It's good tae see ye again, Murtagh,'' I grab his bagg after he let me go and put it on the stairs. ''Go clean yerself up Murtagh, supper will be on the table in fifteen minutes,'' Mam says and grab the plates to set the table.

''Let me do that for you,'' Jenny says and she takes the plates from his hands. ''Jamie, can I speak to ye for a minute?'' Murtagh asks when I'm about to protest that I'm capable of setting the table. ''Aye,''

I walk with him to his room and he sits me down on the bed. ''How are ye doing, my lad?'' he asks with genuine worry. ''I'm surviving,'' I tell him honestly and he gives me a concerned look. ''Ye ken, I understand how ye feel right? Yer auntie Jocasta, I'm still in love wi' her but she's wed to another, only she is still alive and Claire isn't sadly,''

''That's the thing Murtagh, auntie Jocasta is still alive, Claire is dead. Ye could possibly still be wi' her, ye can still have her. I had her but couldna keep her,'' I tell him wi' a sharp tongue.

''I ken lad, I'm sorry, truly,'' he says and I leave his room. I go back downstairs and sit down at the table. 10 minutes later Mam serves the dinner and Murtagh walks back in. I give him an apologetic look and he nods.

''So anything new?'' Murtagh asks and we all shrug. ''Oh come on! Something must be happening,'' Murtagh complains and looks at Ian and Jenny. ''Baby number 4?''

Jenny grins and shakes her head. ''We just had Katherine a few months ago, I'm no' planning on another one soon,'' Jenny complains laughing. ''Why no'? Ye had Katherine only a year and 2 months after wee Maggie was born,''

''And it's though, raising three bairns wi' a young age,'' she says and we continue our supper. They didn't know how much it hurt for me to talk about have children. I had wanted them with Claire, now I would never have them as I would not have them with anyone else then Claire.

''Jamie has a new therapist, he went there 4 days ago,'' Mam blurts out halfway trough supper. Everyone looks at me and I glare at Mam. ''Is that true lad?'' Murtagh asks surprised. I had been to therapy before but never voluntary. Everyone else knew but they also knew I didn't like to speak of it. ''Aye,''

I stand up and leave the dining area and go up to my room. I close the door and fall down on my bed sobbing. Did she really have to say that? I brought back all the conversations I had there about my grief.

I grabbed my phone and looked at my marked voicemails. Only two were marked. Claire's voicemail where she told me she loved me so much and Claire's last voicemail to me, the one send no' even 30 minutes afore her death.

I clicked on the first one and it started playing. ''Hello my love, I will be home very soon! I have missed you so much and I can't wait to be in your arms again. I love you lots darling, and I'll tell you how much I love you later too! But I love you, see you soon. With all the love in the world Your Wife, Claire''