I Love You Still

Chapter 3. A funeral and a phone call

October 4th 2007, two weeks after Claire's death.

I got up in the morning and dressed in the clothes Claire loved. They were black of course but she always said it was beautiful. The funeral was at 3 pm but I arrived 8.30 am. I got a whole tour and an explanation how everything was going to go. Eventually I was led the room Claire was in. I stepped in and the man who guided me closed the door. I was alone. Alone with my wife, who wasn't alive.

I walked to her coffin, the soft brown colour was beautifull. The small flowers engraved on it were enchanting. And then her name, written beautifully in her own handwriting. Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp Fraser. I carefully touched it and tears started streaming down my face. ''Oh Claire, oh my heart! Come back to me, please!'' I whispered as I fall to the ground sobbing. ''Why did ye have to be taken from me so soon? Ye were so young...''

I sat on that floor for hours. The tears didn't stop and my heart broke a little more every single second. ''We had plans Claire, so many plans,'' I said. ''When you were 24, you would stop taking the pill, and we were gonna have children. I would build us a big cottage for our family, somewhere close to Lallybroch. We were supposed to grow old together. You and me, remember?''

As I brushed my fingers across the coffin, the door flew open and I turned around. Mam was standing there with a worried face, eyes red from crying. ''Oh Jamie darling!'' She ran towards me and wrapped her arms around me. ''It's alright lovey, I'm here,'' she said softly as I cried in her shoulder. ''I want her back Mam! It wasn't her time to go yet! She died while being all alone, what if she was scared? I wasn't there for her at a moment she must have been absolutely terrified!'' I yelled as I struggled out of her arms.

''Jamie there is nothing you could've done to prevent it!'' she exclaims and I shake my head. ''NO! That is not true and you know it! It was slippery that day, I should've gone there to pick her up! Then we either made it back safely or we both would've been death! But now only she's gone and I'm scared! I cannae live wi'out my heart, Mam! I can't,'' I screamed and Mam's tears flowed over her face.

''You truly think that the best option possible was that both you and Claire had died that day? You really think that best? Cause let me tell you something James! I lost a daughter! We all lost either a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a colleage or a wife! You're not the only one who's grieving Jamie. We all can barely stand the fact that a person we loved has passed so soon, we can't bear to see you the way you are, and it's okay because you're grieving but if you had died too that day Jamie, I don't know how we would've managed to continue in our lives!'' She yells back at me and tears are streaming over my face again.

''I left her alone there, in that car... while it was burning, what if she didn't die of impact but because she just dissolved because of the fire?! She must've been in so much pain and I... I wasn't there to comfort her,'' I say, in a lower tone now. ''Jamie, it is not your fault. She will not blame you,'' Mam says but i shake my head.

''That is not true Mam, she must hate me for no' being there for her,'' I say softly, Mam comes towards me and grabs my hands. ''Thats not true dear, I think she's rather thankful that you weren't there. She wouln't want you to see her suffer Jamie, believe me, please,''

Once again I burst out in tears, resting my head on Mam's shoulder. ''It's alright, mo ghille, I'm here, yer family is here if ye need us,'' she whispers. She cups me head in her thin hands and presses a soft kiss on my forehead, just like she did when I had a nightmare as a wee lad. This time ithe nightmare I had was real and I wouldn't ever wake up from it. ''I would like to be alone a wee bit longer,''

She nods and leaves the room. I sit back down beside Claire coffin and cry until it's 3 pm and everyone is seated. Dad, Ian, William, Murtagh, Dougal and I carry to coffin to the front of the room. Everyone in the room looks incredibly sad and I take my place with everyone.