"Gather all of them in this one place. When I return from my business trip, I'll talk to them." - I said to him while cleaning my table.
He gently grabs the piece of paper I'm giving him. Written on that piece of paper is an address for a place I will rent for a family gathering.
"You look different since you came back from Salzburg, ma'am."
I smiled at him and furrowed my brows.
"Different? It's still me, the prettiest."
"You don't smile anymore like you used to. You're always in your room and office, working for hours, and you also don't eat much," - he said, hiding the piece of paper inside his blazer pocket. He cleared his throat and glanced at me again. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but did something happen in Salzburg?"
Si Butler Joe nakakainis sya minsan pero hindi ko maitatanggi na parang father figure ko na din sya dahil palagi ko syang kasama at binabantayan ako.
"Nothing happen. I just changed my priority."
"Kaya po ba aalis ka ulit? Alam na po ba ni ma'am Cass? Malapit na po yon umuwi dahil malapit na ang birthday nya." - maagap na aniya.
Napahinto ako dahil sa nabanggit nyang pangalan.
"Hindi ka po ba dadalo sa birthday nya? Halos lahat iyon ay ikaw ang nag pa handa." - he sound like he's convincing me not to leave.
Discovering my past with her heightens the feeling of wanting to isolate myself. I don't deserve to be happy, and there's no one to blame for whatever's happening to me except for myself. My reckless choices in life brought me here.
I'm a bad person, and she's my karma. It's like an act of suicide. I took something in that could kill me slowly.
"Ma'am?"
I look at him when I get back to my senses. "I won't come. Just give her my gift. It's in my room."
"What if she looks for you?"
"She won't."
Having people around her makes her forget about me. Her life will continue even without my presence. I'll let her enjoy her special day with her friends and loved ones. I don't belong to any of that; that's why I won't come and ruin her day.
"Ma'am, e pano kung tanungin nya ako kung kailan ka babalik?"
I chuckled and shook my head. "I doubt she'll ever ask that."
She won't look for me because she knows I'll always come back to her.
My business trip is partly just for cover. I will go to work, but the other days I will travel somewhere to think and give my mind the peace that I need before I fully take my next step in my own life and my falling marriage with a celebrity.
******
My private jet landed in France. This is my first destination, and I visit the cemetery where my beloved mother was lying down for years.
I sit in front of her grave and put down the flowers I'm holding. I lit up the candle and combed my hair, letting out a sigh.
"Hey, Ma. It's me, your princess," - I said, caressing her name. "It's been a while since I came here. I don't know if you're watching me every day, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for growing differently."
I look at the sky and caress my knees before pulling my legs closer to my chest to envelope it in a hug. My head bows down a bit while breathing hard.
