It all started with a CD

Chapter 23

It's the 24th December.

A.k.a. my birthday.

I groan loudly and turn around, snuggling my face into my pillow. I've been awake since seven in the morning and stayed in my bed until now. It's 12 p.m., and I've just decided that I should stop being downcast because my family lives 1,334 miles away from me. They all texted me and mum said she would call me later, but I've been too lazy to call back yet. Liam and some of my other friends texted as well. Fiona's probably going to forget texting me again, but that's okay, I'm used to it.

What bugs me the most is that Harry didn't text me yet. I know he isn't going to forget my birthday, but he did reply to the text I sent him yesterday night. I sent it so that he has a template to wish me a happy birthday. But he didn't.

Maybe he did forget it. No, he didn't. I know that he didn't.

I sigh and finally get up, not daring to put on any clothes. In the kitchen, I make myself some tea, too unmotivated to eat anything. Then I sit down at the windowsill and look at all the snow that covers the roofs of London. I close my eyes and lean my head back a little to quickly, so it bangs against the window, but I can't find myself to care. I stay like that for a little while, without moving, without thinking, there's just me and my tea. But when a cold breeze makes me shiver, I decide that I should put on a hoodie. I grab the largest one I can find, it's so big that not even my fingertips poke out of the sleeves. After finishing my tea, I decide to reply to my family. Fizzy sent me a picture of all the girls and Ernie by the Christmas tree. Their eyes are sparkling and their cheeks are red.

They have each other for Christmas but I have to be alone. Six siblings, one mother and two fathers (well, a biological father, an actual father and a new husband of my mother to be specific but whatever), and all of them can be together but I have to be lonely. I only have time to send Fizzy a heart back before my vision starts going blurry. Bloody hell, I have to stop crying so much. It's getting embarrassing, really. But... I can't help it. When the tears start running down my cheeks, I just let them go. I am fucking upset because I'm alone for my birthday and for Christmas and that's okay. I am jealous of my siblings because they can be together and that's okay. I am angry at Harry because it seems like he doesn't care about me right now and that's okay. But only because I recognise that doesn't mean that I accept it.

I want to see my family. I want to see my sisters. It's already the third Christmas in a row that I'm spending without my family, and all I want is someone to be with. It's depressing, really. I grab some tissues and try to wipe away as many tears as I'm able to. And I really don't want to spend the day here on the couch, pitying myself. I mean, I don't feel as shitty as I did when I was dating that dickhead Connor. But I feel miserable. Because even my friends can meet their relatives, I am the only one who doesn't. And look, Fiona's family lives on another continent, mine doesn't but she can be with them and I don't.

I put on my favourite radio station, hoping that they might talk about some interesting Music Festival or football or anything. But of course, today everyone wants to be with their family, even musicians. All the radio keeps talking about is Christmas trees and red lights. It doesn't even play the nice artist it usually does, only cheesy Christmas songs, as it does every year.

Suddenly I get an idea; I could go out and party a little. But I feel way too miserable to do this, and I really don't want to share drinks with old men who keep on complaining about their life. I grab a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and go out on the balcony, even though it's fucking freezing and I'm only wearing a jumper and some boxers. But I need to clear my mind, I need to calm down a little. I didn't smoke in 2 days, which is something really unusual since I usually smoke about five cigarettes a day. I used to smoke way more, but since I've started dating Harry I didn't really have time to smoke because I was always around him and I know that he doesn't like the smell of tobacco. I blow out the smoke with a sigh, fresh tears running down my cheeks. However, only seconds later, the doorbell rings.