Always

4 : it's not about you

(A/n : please don't read if your not comfortable reading about panic attacks).
This one's gonna be hell. sorry fellas .
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After finishing all my work, I decide to leave my room and go to the roof for a while. The view from here is breathtaking . Beautiful night sky adorned with stars . My hairs are everywhere due to the wind. "Oh, you're here too," Celeste says. She's sitting at the edge of the building with her head rested on her knee. I got so caught up with the view, I didn't even notice her.

I just shrug and sit right next to her. "Ivy, why don't you like me?" I look at her. She has that pain in her eyes that I'm familiar with. "Celeste Why do you want to be my friend so badly?" she just looks in front and laughs softly . "There is no specific reason, that's just who I am, Ivy. An idiotic person pleaser. It physically pains me if someone hates me or doesn't like me" I nod, looking in front of me.

We sit in silence for a while. "Celeste, why do you care about people who literally aren't shit. People ..... They're disgusting okay . You're way too pure . One thing I learned quickly in this industry is that People will always hate you . No matter what you do . So it's best if you don't take them too seriously and I can't promise you that I'll open up to you , because that's just who I am . I'm known as insensitive and stone cold and whatsoever but I'll try " I say softly with a polite smile, or as Grace calls it, a grumpy smile. She smiles and nods. I stand up to leave. "Grace was right " I turn around to look at her. "What ? " "Grace told me that you have a grumpy smile .i didn't believe her at first but she was right " she chuckles standing up .

"I'll hate her," I say in a grumpy tone. "Nah huh, I like her a little too much to let that happen," she says as we both go back to the penthouse. "And I like her a little too much to kill that idiot." she giggle's "Amen to that " she reaches her room. "Good night, Ivy." "Good night, Celeste," I say, and she closes her bedroom door and I go to my own room . For the first time, I actually feel good .

_________________________

It's been almost 20 days since we've been here. The shoot is almost over; tomorrow is the last day for shooting, but I don't think I can make it today. I feel super weak. For almost a month, I've been surviving on coffee, and I have almost lost 7 kgs. I still can't eat, and the fact that I forgot to bring my sleeping pills is not helping either.

"Ivy, are you okay?" Grace says with a concerned face. "Ivy, your whole face is pale. I think you should take today off and rest." "No, Grace, I'm fine." "You really don't look fine, Ivy," Celeste says, entering the vanity. Now I have two Graces. "No, I'm alright. You both stop worrying," I say, getting out of the vanity. "Okay, so the dance routine we practiced is the one we have to shoot today, alright?" I just nod, unable to get the words out. Everything feels blurry, but I start anyway. Suddenly, I see black spots, and all I can hear is Grace yelling my name when I let darkness engulf me.

_______________________

"It's all my fault. I should have taken proper care of her," someone crying is the first thing I hear when I regain consciousness. My head feels like a truck passed by it. I groan, opening my eyes, trying to adjust my eyesight. I look around to see Grace full-on sobbing. "Who died ?" I ask, my voice hoarse. Her head snaps towards me, and they both rush towards me. Grace literally throws herself on me and hugs me like the world is ending .

She releases me and wipes her tears, and Celeste hands me a much-needed glass of water. I drink the whole glass in one go. "What happened?" I ask, looking around. "You fainted while dancing," she says, crying. "And why are you crying?" I ask, looking at her red eyes. "Because you fainted because of me, I didn't take proper care of you," she says, her voice breaking in between. "Grace you're not my babysitter or my mother ." she pouts

"How is this literally anyone's fault? It's not Grace. Now stop crying " she just mocks me, wiping her tears. Celeste smiles at her, softly rubbing her back in a comforting manner.

That's when it hits me. "Fuck, I messed up the whole shoot, didn't I? Good lord, I can't do one fucking thing right," I say, burying my face in my hands. Grace scoffs. "And I'm the idiot," I glare at her, and Celeste says, "She's right, you know, Ivy. Your health should always be your first priority. You should take care of yourself. Work isn't gonna fill that void, you know." She says it seriously. I just nod.

We all enter the penthouse, and everyone goes to their own rooms for some rest because of stupid me. We had to cancel today's schedule. How could I let my health come in between work? "Ughh, stupid me," I yell, burying my face in the pillow.

New notification:

Kaiden : *click to open*

Kaiden : she's really good in bed you know

Kaiden : maybe it was a good decision to cheat with her you know . All you're ever gonna be is a basic bitch

Kaiden : so thanks for nothing .

I open the pic and drop my phone in panic . She's should be prettier , I was just with her for publicity .

I told Ivy to stop eating that much she's fat and her look is kinda boring . The voices . The fucking voices . They are back again .

But this time they are loud . So loud that it hurts my head . I can neither think , nor breathe .my hands start shaking . I keep my hands on my ears "no, no , no please just stop , you're hurting my head please shut up." I yell falling down of bed and crouching with my hands still on my ears but the voices don't stop , instead the voices get louder ."No ,NO,NO PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME ." I can't see straight , I feel dizzy

" PLEASE MAKE IT STOP ,I CAN'T BREATHE ,PLEASE STOP IT " I say crying ,on the verge of passing out

I feel like choking , there is a voice ringing in my ears now along with the voices of Katie and Kaiden , I somehow start hyperventilating .

I try to stand up , trying to calm myself down but end up falling back and slowly I feel the same spots arriving and soon darkness engulfs me .

______________________

I wake up to the sound of someone knocking the door . I squint my eyes trying to adjust the brightness . I look around and find myself fallen in the floor with my phone next to me .My legs feel numb , my head feels heavy , my voice hoarse . what happened? . That's when the memories come back rushing to me . The pictures , the video , the panic attack shi-
"Ivy are you there , it's time to leave "

"Um , you guys go ahead I'll be there in an hour " I yell back , quickly standing up for a shower.

After few days

Today is the day we return to New York as our shoot ended yesterday. In a weird way, I'm gonna miss this place. "Hurry up, both of you," Grace yells from the lobby as we leave for the airport. I got somewhat used to Celeste's rambling during the month . Shit, I'm gonna miss her. We all reach the airport and settle in, and I go straight to the room, not wanting to talk to anyone right now. I hate goodbyes. I only leave the room when the jet has landed.

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K. Byeee
Xoxoxoxo