Behind the Lens (the owl house au)

Ch. 25 ~ Accidents

Anxiety wasn't something new to Luz; it was quite an old friend of hers. It had haunted her for as long as she knew. She didn't know when it started, but it never left her side.

She knew what it meant when her chest felt tight and her throat ran dry. It was a familiar feeling that shackled her; it made fun of her and teased her for years. It followed her in her home, in every test she took, every step she made, in the girls' locker room.

Every time she was made fun of or messed up in school, that old familiar feeling followed. It liked to haunt her, to call her name and watch her panic at the sound of it. It held power over her, immeasurable power.

Was it because of anxiety she was labeled the weird kid, the one people didn't like to be around, the one who was unhinged off the handle at any second, or did the anxiety come after? Was it the cause or result? It was an answer she sought for years.

Luz believed if she achieved her dreams, the answer would follow. But it felt like a smack in the face, a rude awakening when it didn't.

For months she managed to hide it by putting on a persona, a facade. She was a good actress because for a while it even fooled her own mother, the person who knew her best, the person who loved her the most. Yet even she was blinded by Luz's mask.

Luz was the type to hold it all in and suppress her emotions. Burden someone? She wouldn't dare dream of it. Her mother was all she had, truly. She worked herself ragged taking care of her beloved daughter; she worked until the exhaustion was evident on her face and body, slugging upstairs to head to bed.

She provided a home, clothes, and love for Luz, something her father had left her mother to do on her own. So how could Luz tell someone, tell the one person who did all that for her, who took on every burden she could to give her a good life, how could she tell her about her own suffering?

It was beyond selfish; her suffering was nothing compared to her mother's. She felt like she had no right to speak of it. She kept it a hushed secret; she learned how to put on a smile and hide it.

But it still plagued her at night when the curtains drew to a close and the darkness whispered when the lampposts were the only thing that lit up the desolate streets and the crickets began to call out. She couldn't sleep; she couldn't stop thinking; she couldn't stop worrying. It went on and on and on.

Insomnia was also a dear friend of hers; it knew her in a different way. It met Luz when she was 11, a mutual friend of anxiety. They became quick friends. Luz was tired, too tired for a girl her age. Her mother knew, of course, to some extent. She knew of her friends, and she didn't like them. She did everything in her power to end the relationship.

At most, it only worked for a little while. When Luz was 13, she realized she had to deal with her problems on her own. It was then she learned what it meant to lie, and so she continued to lie every day and night.

She managed to fool everyone, including herself, if only for a little while. Nobody knew, not her mom, not her classmates, her friends, her fellow cast and crew, her teachers, people on the street, no one knew.

But what Luz never understood was how someone who loves you never notices the suffering you're in. Luz wondered. Someone who knew her best still couldn't identify her worst, and that is where everything fell downhill.

It started near the end of filming; the episode was titled "Wing it like Witches," which was supposed to be a simple episode about competition and standing up for others and yourself turned into a mess. It was that day that changed Luz's career forever and made her realize no matter what, you can never look like you need help.