Because Of Her Jacket

Chapter Eighteen

Pacing & Movie nights
♡ Tammy ♡

Maybe she's not coming, maybe this was dumb. I mean, I texted her and she never answered and she just avoided me and maybe I'm pushing too hard or maybe she sees right through me or maybe she's ashamed to be around me because of my reputation maybe she thinks I'll break her heart maybe-

"Dude; why the fuck are you pacing?" Jordan questions, watching with a solo cup full of boozes in hand how I walk from the top of the counter to the bottom and restart, repeating the same endless cycle over and over and over again.

"No reason" I lie. Only, he can't hear me over the blasting music.

The party's still early, there's still time, they're barely people over but again, what ifs and maybes begin to flood my mind.

What if she just blocked me all together? What if she bates me? What if she's freaked out by me?

What if? Maybe. what if? Maybe. what if?

Separately, what, if, and maybe are fine words- but put together into "what if" or "what if maybe", it wraps around ones throat and slowly chokes them until they loose ever breath in their living, aching body.

It sucks.

I bite my lip, leaning against the counter and desperately glancing out the window as if that's going to help.

Does it even matter anymore?

Maybe this was a bad idea I mean- parties- a fucking party... that's not what she likes... is it?

She's quiet. She probably didn't want to go to a party after all.

"First time I've ever seen you looking down at a party" Jenna chuckled, sliding past Jordan to get to the volka.

"She looks like her puppy just died" Jordan laughed.

"I know!" Jenna and Jordan both laugh but I frown.

I don't think, okay I haven't exactly told her about my potential crush. I know she'll be happy, especially because she wants me to get over Tess.

But right now?

I don't know.

Seeing my frown not go anywhere, Jenna's smile fades, she walks over to me and stands next to me, "hey, you good? We're just joking T".

"I know" my voice is barely hearable.

Jenna stares at me blankly, "looking for someone?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Honey, you look like a missing puppy right now, of course it's obvious".

"I haven't been in love since..." I pause, looking up at Jordan, who's not even paying attention, "you-know-who"

"And you wanted to hang with that person, huh?"

I nod slowly.

"Maybe she's not comfortable here" Jenna points out, "maybe you should go where she is, or find another time and place to hang out".