Because Of Her Jacket

Twenty One

The conversation after
♡ Tammy ♡

Mom's always home. It's a common fact, but what I don't expect is for her to be sitting on the love seat in the living room, no phone in hand, watching me as I quietly close the front door.

I thought I'd made an escape, I didn't even notice her there, until she spoke.

"Tammy" she says, I jump back and place my hand over my chest.

I'm not ready to have this conversation, to hear this lecture.

But I guess now, on the walk to the love seat, I have to be.

"Hey mom" I say softly, I look down because looking up feels like I'll fall into a thousand pieces underneath myself.

"Wanna talk?"

"Where's your camera?" I want to ask snakily, but I don't, I walk to the couch and sit down as far down from her as I possibly can.

Much to my dismay, or maybe pleasure- I have no idea, she scoots down next to me.

She sighs, "I thought about what you said earlier" she breaths out.

I bit my lip, "I'm sorry" I say quickly. Maybe I don't want to have this conversation maybe not now maybe not ever.

"Honey" she places her hand on mine reassuringly and I flinch, we haven't talked in a while let alone touched and because my crush actually likes me back, I don't want to have this conversation exist on the same day, my happy day, a day when nothing else and no one else matters but Fiona Taylor.

Guess that makes no sense when I have my parents.

When I have my life.

Happy. I remember being happy. That stupid photo with all of us being happy.

Now?

I guess we're all just trying to go back to just that, happy.

"I'm sorry" her voice is so low it's almost none-existent, "I realize now, I haven't been there as much. I love you guys, I really do. But I never understood how my social media presence isolated me- until I couldn't even tell my own daughter was joking with her sister".

"But that's the thing" I begin, taking in a shaky breath, these are the words that have been joking down in my throat for months, maybe even years, "it feels like you never tried. Skylar's growing up, Ryder's struggling with college and for the first tine since Tess? I might actually be falling in love again" my voice cracks, "and that's scary mom" the warm tears trickle down my cheeks, "she actually likes me back too" a smile spreads across my face as I let out a wet sniffle, "but I just want to feel like how I did before the social media, before the deals with companies and when you and dad had more time..." I pause, "it's not just you mom, it's dad too, he's never there mentally and sometimes physically but you? You're here but not here. It sucks. I miss my family without a camera. The camera's not my family mom, you are".

"Oh honey" her own eyes fill with tears as she uses the sleeve of her shirt to wipe mine off my cheeks, "I'm so sorry, I never knew".

"How could you?" I sniffle: "I never said anything. I just desperately tried to fill the void in my heart".

"I'm so sorry" she whispers, and she pulls me into this warm and comforting hug and for the first time since before Tess, I feel loved.

"I'm so sorry" she whispers again, stroking my hair reassuringly.

I'm so sorry...

. . .

I don't know what I'm expecting when I wake up the next morning and mom's making breakfast with Skylar; not phone, no camera, no social media, just the two of them laughing at Skylar's old love for Mickey Mouse and the tween's goofy new fashion which consist of matching earrings from Claire's (like a dog on one ear and a bone on the other, or a paint brush on one ear and a canvas on the other), they're laughing hard like old friends catching up.