terminal

Trip

Her mother woke her with a gentle shake, humming,

"Time to get dressed, little bird, we have to hit the road

in thirty minutes. I laid out your clothes in the bathroom,"

This is the second round of chemotherapy, but it feels worse,

Aviana feels so tired and weak, even if she gets extra sleep

in the car - the car which is her second home; or is it her third?

Her family spends as much time in the car and at the hospital

as they do at home - well, at least that's true for Aviana

and her parents, since Brynn and Lilly do not ride along;

Instead of the long drives and regular appointments, well,

they rotate between friends, grandparents, and other family;

Even if there's no school, they don't have to go with them,

Aviana doesn't like it, and she asks her parents if they can

maybe bring a sister with her so that she isn't so alone;

They always have excuses about why they can't come

with or explain away the need for them to join Aviana

during her treatments; they don't realize how lonely it

feels to be sitting in the back all by herself, especially since

they started alternating who takes Aviana to on her trips;

Going to the doctor was no longer a team effort, but

a chore - it was now a task to assign like dishes and trash;

Brave Aviana was back to just being their little bird -

Their sick, weak, tired, needy little bird; there was always

something to do, somewhere to be, or something to

worry about: medicine, blood work, lack of immunity;

While other kids were excited for their holiday break,

Aviana was simply hoping that she'd be home with

family to open her presents with her sisters, to empty

her stocking on the floor with her family; it was a simple

wish to have, but with each trip out of state for another

poke, prod, scan, check, or whatever else, the more

it seemed that she would never get to relax at home

the way she used to do; her bed felt like a gift, it smelled

like her shampoo and the laundry soap, unlike her

hospital beds and leather chairs during chemotherapy -

those just smelled like cleaning wipes and - and -

chemicals? It didn't smell natural, and it was beginning to

leave a deep, sick feeling in her stomach whenever

she smelled anything like it somewhere else; Aviana

didn't like leaving the house because of it, not even for

school - the only thing that helped was wearing a mask;

For as brave as she thought she was, it was eroding;

The courage that everyone thought she had was melting

like chocolate in the sun, and she wondered how long

it would be until she felt as sick as they said she was, and

how long it would be until she looked that way too.