terminal

Modernity

Radiation is a beast, like the stories about monsters under the bed or intruders

hiding in the closet, just waiting for the opportune moment to take your life from

you without a moment's notice; Each session leaves Aviana feeling more weak

and deteriorated than the last, and the long drives are spent with her mother

furiously searching for an experimental treatment program that will take Aviana,

but many deny her for age or for how "late stage" she is in her health battle

with cancer; Some programs are willing to review her case, or at least they tell

her mom that, but Aviana doubts that they are truly going to change their mind

on the matter; A dead girl is a dead girl, after all, and Aviana has started to see

the truth in those secrets that nurses keep locked behind their teeth when

they think she can't hear them whisper about her impending doom; Oh, oh,

the uncertainty of it all, Aviana hates to have time to think about it, and hates

even more to hear people talking about her; They all do it when they think

that she can't hear them; But some will speak about her right in front of her,

clearly already at peace with her fate; She misses the days when she had

been at peace and prepared to die; She misses feeling content with her reality;

Where did that Aviana go? Had she done more harm to herself and others

than she did good by finding hope in the improvement? Did she do harm

by praying to God and trusting that he could bless her with healing; Did she -

Does she - cause more harm with each breath that she takes simply

because it is delaying the inevitable? Aviana quietly asks a nurse if there

is a doctor that would help her die during an appointment, but the nurse

tuts her tongue against the roof of her mouth, chastising Aviana for even

considering the option, but these nurses always talk when she closes

her eyes, and Aviana pretends so well - that's when she hears the word

euthanasia for the first time; When she is hanging out with Brynn, she asks

how she can get around the parental locks because she wants to watch

videos that are blocked, and even though Brynn asks for more details,

she eventually shows Aviana how to open a private window in the browser,

and when she is alone, she practices spelling the word in the search bar:

yoofandaja - you fan asia - you the an sha - an she keeps trying different

words and sounds until she finds it; Euthanasia is "doctor assisted suicide,

which allows terminally ill individuals to meet a peaceful end on their terms" -

She learns that it is illegal and that she cannot ask for it; Aviana forgives her

nurses without them ever knowing she was upset with them to begin with;

Of course they wouldn't have told her it was an option when it wasn't,

and if it was, someone would get in trouble for it; Besides, Aviana knows

that her parents would never agree - the idea of chosen death, a controlled

approach to her passing - they could never cope with it; But it doesn't stop;

Aviana thinks about euthanasia every day, wishing she could die already.