For every day that Aviana felt bad, and though she was on the verge of
true, actual death - she woke up on the first day of spring and knew she
had never know what it actually felt like to be moments from dying; but now?
Aviana woke up choking on the air she breathed, she felt her veins harden
in her arms, her muscles slack around her bones, and her eyes were dry -
when her parents came to check on her, they said she looked like she was
turning blue or purple; They did not even call the doctor, they just loaded her
into their car and raced to the hospital; She was airlifted to a children's
hospital after that and days of time disappeared from Aviana's memory;
Whenever she wakes, her parents speak to her but she can't speak back,
Her sisters try to crawl into bed with her but they are shooed away by
medical staff; Grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, neighbors, they all
come with balloons and gift baskets, which Aviana thinks are more for
her parents and sisters than for her, being that she can't enjoy the food
or the activities; Her days melt away quicker than she realizes, each one
leaving her connected to more and more machines; When she tries to
ask how long she's been there, how long she'll be there, the answers
are vague and unhelpful; One day when her mother is crying in a chair,
the others gone to eat, she hears her praying that she gets well
enough to go home or that she passes away peacefully; Aviana wants
nothing more than to hold her mother's hand, and assure her that it
will be okay, but she cannot do it - because she cannot even open
her eyes when she wants to, or breathe on her own, and, of course,
because she knows it won't be okay; Hours turn to days, which,
even more quickly, build up into weeks and months; Before Aviana
knows it - summer has come and gone - and again the topic of
school arises for Brynn and Lilly; Brynn argues and fights in the
hospital room to do online school and Aviana had never heard
her so upset with her parents when they repeatedly told her 'no,'
and Lilly said that she wouldn't go to school if Byrnn wouldn't -
The arguments were endless and it's all she heard when she
was awake - until the arguments became screaming matches -
and until they ended; Brynn won, and she did not return to classes
in person, and Lilly would be homeschooled by their mother;
There was no sudden upturn in her health, and it was unclear
whether she would leave the hospital alive - Aviana doubted it -
but eventually, she learned that they were staying in a small
apartment right next to the hospital - her grandparents helped pay
for it so that there was some semblance of normal; It comes to
her ears one day that Brynn and Lilly will be going home for the
weekend to go to a festival and get a break from the hospital -
and Aviana manages to say her parents should take a break too;
They refuse to both go at the same time, but they do decide that
her mom will go with the girls to the festival, and the next weekend
her dad would go back home and swap clothes out for the cooler
weather and visit Franklin; Aviana starts to have short chats with
the family, but when she does, she spends all of her energy, sleeping
for hours or even days after trying to interact with everyone; It was
always hard to compare what she could do before her diagnosis to
what she could do after, but comparing what she could do after to what
she can do now is even more depressing; There comes a day that
allows Aviana to speak with her doctor while he is checking her vitals
and her parents are in a phone meeting about a possible experimental
treatment program that she could potentially enter, and she asks him
about euthanasia, and if there is anywhere she can go that will let her
die when she's ready it; He tells hers parents, and then a psychiatrist
comes to speak with her, and when they ask her if she can explain
how she learned about euthanasia and how long she's been wanting
to die, all Aviana can say is "I want to give up so that everyone can
Finally move on with their lives," and it leaves the room enshrouded in
silence - "I don't want them to be paused while I continue dying," and
they all cry listening to her; It is everything she didn't want; everything
she wanted to avoid - And it makes her cry, too, sobbing to her question
out loud for the first time: "Will it ever stop?"
YOU ARE READING
terminal
PoesíaThis is an epic poem that tells the tale of Aviana - the middle sister in her family of five who is diagnosed with cancer at just six years of age. It will be a raw telling of how terminal illness wreaks havoc in the lives of those touched by it whe...
