terminal

The Absolute Limit

For every day that Aviana felt bad, and though she was on the verge of

true, actual death - she woke up on the first day of spring and knew she

had never know what it actually felt like to be moments from dying; but now?

Aviana woke up choking on the air she breathed, she felt her veins harden

in her arms, her muscles slack around her bones, and her eyes were dry -

when her parents came to check on her, they said she looked like she was

turning blue or purple; They did not even call the doctor, they just loaded her

into their car and raced to the hospital; She was airlifted to a children's

hospital after that and days of time disappeared from Aviana's memory;

Whenever she wakes, her parents speak to her but she can't speak back,

Her sisters try to crawl into bed with her but they are shooed away by

medical staff; Grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, neighbors, they all

come with balloons and gift baskets, which Aviana thinks are more for

her parents and sisters than for her, being that she can't enjoy the food

or the activities; Her days melt away quicker than she realizes, each one

leaving her connected to more and more machines; When she tries to

ask how long she's been there, how long she'll be there, the answers

are vague and unhelpful; One day when her mother is crying in a chair,

the others gone to eat, she hears her praying that she gets well

enough to go home or that she passes away peacefully; Aviana wants

nothing more than to hold her mother's hand, and assure her that it

will be okay, but she cannot do it - because she cannot even open

her eyes when she wants to, or breathe on her own, and, of course,

because she knows it won't be okay; Hours turn to days, which,

even more quickly, build up into weeks and months; Before Aviana

knows it - summer has come and gone - and again the topic of

school arises for Brynn and Lilly; Brynn argues and fights in the

hospital room to do online school and Aviana had never heard

her so upset with her parents when they repeatedly told her 'no,'

and Lilly said that she wouldn't go to school if Byrnn wouldn't -

The arguments were endless and it's all she heard when she

was awake - until the arguments became screaming matches -

and until they ended; Brynn won, and she did not return to classes

in person, and Lilly would be homeschooled by their mother;

There was no sudden upturn in her health, and it was unclear

whether she would leave the hospital alive - Aviana doubted it -

but eventually, she learned that they were staying in a small

apartment right next to the hospital - her grandparents helped pay

for it so that there was some semblance of normal; It comes to

her ears one day that Brynn and Lilly will be going home for the

weekend to go to a festival and get a break from the hospital -

and Aviana manages to say her parents should take a break too;

They refuse to both go at the same time, but they do decide that

her mom will go with the girls to the festival, and the next weekend

her dad would go back home and swap clothes out for the cooler

weather and visit Franklin; Aviana starts to have short chats with

the family, but when she does, she spends all of her energy, sleeping

for hours or even days after trying to interact with everyone; It was

always hard to compare what she could do before her diagnosis to

what she could do after, but comparing what she could do after to what

she can do now is even more depressing; There comes a day that

allows Aviana to speak with her doctor while he is checking her vitals

and her parents are in a phone meeting about a possible experimental

treatment program that she could potentially enter, and she asks him

about euthanasia, and if there is anywhere she can go that will let her

die when she's ready it; He tells hers parents, and then a psychiatrist

comes to speak with her, and when they ask her if she can explain

how she learned about euthanasia and how long she's been wanting

to die, all Aviana can say is "I want to give up so that everyone can

Finally move on with their lives," and it leaves the room enshrouded in

silence - "I don't want them to be paused while I continue dying," and

they all cry listening to her; It is everything she didn't want; everything

she wanted to avoid - And it makes her cry, too, sobbing to her question

out loud for the first time: "Will it ever stop?"