terminal

Dark Secret

Chemotherapy is just as exhausting as Aviana expects, but she tells the nurses

all about how God blessed her with a second chance, and that her prayers to

keep living were answered; She insists that she is going to get rid of the cancer

in her body and become a miracle story that people learn about in church pews

on Sunday mornings; The staff members let Aviana go on and on about what

she believes is truth, and they're smiling their perfect smiles all the way into their

big and bright eyes, and Aviana just feels heard and like they might actually

believe her - but those days when she is certain of everything - it just -

It all comes crumbling down one day when she's half asleep in her chair, but

can still hear everything around her since she's not fully in control, and the

nurses are talking about her chart; They say that it breaks their heart to see her

back with this courageous hope in the face of what they know will only be a

terminal outcome - and they speak about things she doesn't fully understand -

and they say that they worry about how hard radiation is going to be for her;

Hearing these things, even in a state where she can't control herself, she feels

tears stinging against the corners of her eyes; For all the support she thought

she had in these medical professionals, it melted away like butter in the sun

as they chattered on while thinking she couldn't hear anything they said;

Then she nodded off, of course, and woke up without the immediate recall

that would let her express her emotions about the things they said about her

diagnosis; the memory only came back to her during a therapy session when

she wondered how many more dark secrets the grown-ups kept from her,

remembering the lies they told when they refused to admit that she would die;

The therapist asks about flashbacks, and if she feels like she did when they

were forced to reveal she was terminal, and Aviana says, "Of course I do,"

she thought that was simple enough to guess, but she's come to learn that

professionals always ask simple questions to verify accuracy; so she tries not to

get upset about things like that because they are inconsequential - which is a

word that she's heard adults use a lot when talking about her treatment - so

Aviana has put together that it means 'very little' probably, and so she uses it

like that when she speaks; It makes her sound very grown up, which is a win

since she is worried again that she may never live to actually be one.