terminal

Desire

For months, Aviana felt so sure that she would welcome death joyfully,

even with open arms, but when she so weak that she couldn't wake up,

the panic set in and she found herself crying and moaning through the

lack of control she had over her body; the next time she woke up properly,

she woke up in a hospital; This time it wasn't like the any of the others

before because this time there are so many machines making so much

noise that she can barely form a complete thought, let alone speak

with anyone around her; Even though nobody is telling her with words,

and they certainly do not discuss her medical care in the room where

she can hear them, Aviana guesses that she is very unwell this time

simply because they're all in the room most of the time; She is never

left alone, either, so she always has someone sitting next to her -

reading, playing games, watching television, or just napping with

their head propped on the railings; The whole experience feels like

the family is just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and Aviana

realizes that she wants more time; when they come to do movement

exercises and feed her, Aviana forces herself to push and do

everything to the best of her capabilities; If she feels like she is

about the throw up, she holds it in; If it is hard to swing her

weight over the side of the bed, Aviana pushes through it anyway;

If they ask her how she is doing, Aviana exaggerates how well

she feels so that she can make everyone believe she has more

time - if they believe she has more time hard enough, it should

come true like a wish on a falling star; All the same, it takes weeks

before she is able to go home from the hospital - and this time it

isn't just a nurse at home; Her father figures it out so that he can

work from home indefinitely, and her mother simply quits her job;

Brynn and Lilly start doing a mix of in-person and remote learning -

which was agreed upon because Brynn and Lilly were refusing to

leave the house in the morning for school; They tell their parents

that they don't want to be at school when Aviana dies - it hurts

to hear that they sit in their classes and wonder if each knock on

the door is someone coming to pick them up early with bad news;

Aviana thinks a lot about how Lilly is younger than her, how small

and precious she is, and how she also carries this heavy burden

of having to think about her sister dying; Aviana hates knowing that

such a little person could have so a clear concept of despair -

For the first time in a long time, Aviana's only desire is to keep

going so that Brynn and Lilly have a lull of peace; so Aviana makes

a deal with invisible gods and ghosts and angels and spirits; and

says to them under her breath, "I'll live to see summer again."