Doctor appointments aren't as regular as they once were,
but they are still frequent enough; Aviana doesn't feel anything
about them anymore, but she can see it in her family's faces;
When a Monday rolls around that Aviana has to leave before
the sun comes up, Brynn and Lilly always wake up to give her
hugs and kisses; and her parents are back to going to every
single appointment together, which means her grandparents
show up in the mornings, too, and they are just as snuggly
as everyone else - Aviana understands that they want to soak
each moment "before" anything else happens; They all want
a memory of her before there is more bad news, a pristine
moment that they can point to and say 'but she was fine,'
before they tear up at the realization that has sunk into their
bones again: Aviana is going to die no matter what they say;
There is nothing in these appointments that changes her
terminal diagnosis; When she leaves for the doctors, she is dying -
and when she returns home from the doctors, she is dying -
This is why Aviana doesn't tell anyone when it is too hard
to tie her own shoes because it takes all of her breath to
stand back up, or that sometimes she gets tired sitting upright;
Aviana forces herself to eat even if she feels sick so that
nobody notices she is eating less - and she doesn't tell them
when she throws it all back up while she's in the shower;
Keeping the secrets is easier than seeing their faces fall
at each new symptom of dying that plagues her already frail
little body; The reminders of her mortality are both simple
and complex, so much so that it feels impossible for little
Aviana to know if she is doing the right thing by keeping these
truths close to her chest like the game of cards her father
sometimes plays when he needs to drink to forget his daughter
will someday be a picture on the mantle or in his pocket
rather than a real person laying in the bedroom next to his;
But the doctor appointments keep coming, and each time they do
there is no amount of lying or pretending that Aviana can do
to hide this reality away from her family, but she smiles anyway
so that if the worst every does come to pass at one of these visits -
At least their last memory of her will be of her smiling and kissing
their cheeks at the end of a tight hug filled to the brim with love.
YOU ARE READING
terminal
PoetryThis is an epic poem that tells the tale of Aviana - the middle sister in her family of five who is diagnosed with cancer at just six years of age. It will be a raw telling of how terminal illness wreaks havoc in the lives of those touched by it whe...