Buck was tense. Very, very, tense. His shoulders ached because he hadn't relaxed the entire time he'd been with Tommy, but he was excited. He truly was enjoying himself. But he was being 100% truthful when he said that was his first date with a dude. And then, to make Buck even more nerve wracked, his best friend bombs his date. Eddie thought it was a friendly hang out to get to know each other and was absolutely psyched his best friend was getting to know his friend.
The sudden showing up of Eddie made Buck's emotions go crazy tenfold. Buck had always had his share of anxiety, he was that out going white guy who talked to everyone in public, he made friends just about anywhere, but there was always that pit that never went away. But, that was one thing, what he was feeling now was straight illness. If Buck were to look at Eddie, food, or a couple, he'd throw up all of his dinner. "Are you just about ready," Tommy asked gently across to Buck. He nodded in response to his date and tried to flash a smile that could possibly wipe away all of his feelings. Tommy returned the nod and smiled too, he picked up the check and went for his wallet, "you don't have to pay. Sorry, I was so zoned out I didn't realize the check was here. I'll pay it," Buck said, waving his hand. Buck felt bad he was somewhere else when Tommy was all there. He'd probably done this multiple times. Even if he hadn't, Buck would have no idea, he was so natural. Buck wanted to be like that. "It's fine. I've got it. I invited you out, I should pay," Tommy said firmly, insisting he should pay. "Are...are you sure?" Buck for some reason felt horrible this man was paying for his food. "I insist, Evan," Tommy confirmed. The first name use made Buck fall putty in Tommy's hands every time he said it, but Buck didn't know why. Abby had called him Buck at least once. Ali a few times. Taylor once or twice. Natalie even tried to make it a habit and called him 'Evan' multiple times a week. Course, there was one time Eddie had said his name when he was pronouncing his will, making it known he was now the guardian of the man's son. That moment made him feel some sort of way, fairly similar to this, but he was just made a parent if his best friend were to draw the short straw in the future. But that was different. This is different. He was just recently 'turned' this sexuality, he couldn't have— Buck's racing thoughts stopped and Tommy began to make small talk again.
Buck let him talk, and he talked back, some nausea finally settling down but never completely. He felt loose and kind of like a new person as they spoke again like the whole thing wasn't awkward. But, Buck had this feeling someone, or frankly, everyone, was looking at him and that only started when Eddie made it known to the whole state of California that Buck was sitting across from another boy in a romantic setting. Buck wanted this date to be over. So, when he saw the waitress walking back over to give Tommy back his card.
They made the table as nice as possible, grabbed their things and walked out. Tommy had looked back to wave to Eddie and Buck could only assume he waved back, but Buck knew if he saw where Eddie was sitting, he'd throw up. Tommy continued the chivalry and opened the doors for Buck all the way to his car. Great. Another awkwardly close in space scenario where they were just the two of them and things could go silent and stay that way but the awkwardness could blanket both of them.
Tommy took the initiative and started even more small talk. They talked about various topics in just a few short minutes all the way until Buck was waving Tommy goodbye as he drove out of the apartment building's driveway. Buck scurried up to his loft and swiftly closed the door behind him as he entered.
He stood in the entryway for a few seconds, letting the whole night play through his head like a movie until he felt hot vomit roll up his throat. He began to gag, dropped everything (his phone and jacket that held his wallet,) as he forced the downstairs bathroom door open. He barely made it to the toilet before he finally puked. All of his dinner. $60 bucks, down the drain.
Buck sat down in his bathroom for about twenty minutes, regretting the entire night, and trying to make up some plausible explanations as to where he could like kissing a dude, but it's not gay, and he's not gay.
A moment of weakness. Vulnerable emotional state. Jealously. Experimentation. Temporary homosexual desires. Testing the waters. Taking a hypothesis and running with it, ultimately deciding he was tired.
Buck was not a homophobic person. Like who you like. Be you. But he couldn't help but feel disgusted with himself. "Why won't these feelings stop," Buck whined to himself. It wasn't a crying whine, honestly, it was barely a whine. Buck was so over feeling anything, he kind of just sighed and got up. He flushed the toilet and cleaned his hands then left the bathroom. He slid off his shoes, kicking them aimlessly, not caring where the hell they land. He grabs his phone off the floor, leaving his jacket.
Buck then, simply, went to bed.
The next day at work, Buck was uncharacteristically quiet. He seemed more lost in thought than upset or sad. He slowly tied his laces as he stared into space. He dragged his body up the stairs to the loft where everyone was eating brunch. He walked past the table and went for coffee, he pulled the pot off the machine and grabbed an LAFD mug and filled it up. He held it up to his chest as he stared out into the sink, zoning out once again. He was overthinking hardcore. He wasn't an avid over thinker, but he definitely was familiar with it. He was so deep in thoughts and regretful thinking, he didn't hear Hen walk up until he physically felt her tap his shoulder. Buck flinched, causing some of his coffee to spill from the cup. "Wow— sorry. Are you okay, Buck," Hen questioned as she then leaned her body weight into the counter as she looked into Buck's eyes. "Yeah. I'm good. Just— a date? It was...really good...but I was super awkward the whole time...I don't even know if I should have gone on the date, or if I even liked who I went on the date with. I seriously can't stop thinking about it and it's very quickly driving me crazy." Buck knew hen would help him and keep quiet if he asked her to, so he didn't think twice when he came to slipping his thoughts. "Oh?" Hen grinned at this. "What makes you think you don't like this girl," Hen asked, intending to help out. Buck really thought about telling her how he felt, but he couldn't deal with that. "She's—different? I'm not sure how to put it into words, but she's...you know...different...?" Buck put his cup down on the counter and sighed tiredly.
Hen let out a chuckle and sighed too, "well, just think about it. Do you like her or not? Channel your thoughts and...think about your thoughts..." Hen squinted her eyes and looked up, trying to figure out if these words made...sense. "I've been trying. I got so anxious last night, I threw up. I don't panic," Buck grumbled. Hen couldn't fight the grin that was actively growing on her face, "okay, Eddie," Hen laughed again. Eddie. He was there. If he finds out about this, he'll know it was a date and he'll hate Buck forever and ever and never want to do anything with him ever again. "Y-you know what? I will figure this out, by myself. I do it all the time. How hard could it be?"
