“I don't love you, Haira. Don't you understand? I cheated on you!” He almost shouted. I'm speechless.
My heart shattered. My tears can't stop falling.
We've been together for almost 4 years now. I've risked for him because I love him so much. He said he'll marry me after he graduate, but he's telling me now that he fell out of love and cheated? How dare he!
“You don't deserve me, so find someone better—”
“I only want you, Jedan! Be better for me para maging deserve kita.” aniko puno ng hinanakit.
“I'm sorry...”
“H-How could you do this to me?”
“H-Haira...” he call my name. Bakit nakikita ko sa mga mata niyang nasasaktan din siya? He just cheated on me, wala siyang karapatang masaktan. “I didn't mean to hurt you—”
“You did! You chose to hurt me. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake.”
Kahit nanghihina ay nagawa kong umalis sa lugar na yon. Nakakatawang pinapunta niya lang ako para sabihing hindi na niya'ko mahal at may iba siya habang kami pa.
I came home crying. Am I not enough? Everytime I think about our memories, it hurts me. I've never cheat or lie to him. I lied to my parents just to be with him. I broke my parents’ rule for him.
Mas lalo akong naiyak. I can say that my parents are pious and they don't want me to enter unhalal relationship, but I've never listen to them. So here I am, regretting. They were right.
“Langun na pedtalun nami man na makagkapya salka, di nami seka matika temipu ka wata nami seka” (Lahat ng sinasabi namin ay para sa ikakabuti mo. You're our daughter, we can't betrayed you) Umi said.
“Masakit abenal, umi. Allah knows how much I love him,” I mourn.
“Lesson learn, Haira. Allah warned you it's haram for a reason. I pray that He will guide you. Comeback to Him. If He can turn a night to a day, He also can turn your pain into happiness, Insha'Allah.”
My Umi's words comfort me.
I was lost. I didn't go out for months. I'm heart broken. I also deactivated all my social media account.
For almost 4 months after our break up, I found myself praying for the first time in this year. I found myself crying in my sujood. I found myself crying asking forgiveness to Him. I found myself realizing how sinful I am.
I learned to forgive even they did not ask for my forgiveness. It's for peace of mind. From that moment, I start to move forward. Alhamdulillah because I found my way back to Allah.
“Kapag ba may pumunta dito sa bahay at nanghingi ng kamay mo sa'min, papayag ka?” my umi asked out of sudden.
“Depende, umi,” I answered.
“Anong depende?”
“If that man is loyal to Allah, then I'll accept his marriage dahil naniniwala akong magiging loyal din siya sa'kin.” seryosong aniko.
My standard is not high. Man with imaan is all i want.
My umi smiled. “Masha'Allah, I can see that you've change a lot, wata ko. You've changed for good. Alhamdulillah, He guided you.”
That's true. I was lost, but guided. Indeed, that break up saved me.
Palabas na ako ng kwarto ko ng mapansing may bisita yata sila umi at abi. Abi invite me to sit besides him.
“Assalamualaikum po,” I salam.
“Waalaikumussalam,” they respond.
“Haira, this is Nadzer Abdulrahman, and this is his parents,” ani abi.
I looked at the guy in the front of us, sa tabi nito ay dalawang may edad na babae at lalake, na ang mga magulang yata niya.
The guy have beard na bagay na bagay sa kanya. Napansin ko ring makapal ang kilay nito at may mahabang pilik-mata. I can totally say that he's handsome— astagfirullah! lower your gaze, Haira. Napayuko ako dahil parang nag init ang mukha ko.
“He wanted to marry you.”
“Huh?”
“This man wanted to marry you, Haira.”
My heart beat fast and faster. Feeling ko ay namula ang mukha ko. Para akong kinilig astagfirullah. Can't believe that this handsome man wanted to marry me.
Hindi ko alam kung paano natapos ang usapan, namalayan ko nalang na pumayag pala ako sa kasal. Well, wala namang masama, my parents won't choose a man na can't be good for me.
I was in my room cleaning when I saw an album. When I open it, I saw the pictures of me with Jedan. We looked so happy, so genuine. Kung titingnan ay parang hindi niya'ko kayang lokohin.
Remembering those thing makes me hurt. Although I'm healed and moved on, but I honestly say that I just heal and forgive, but I will never forget.
We can say you have healed, not when we forgetten, but when we have forgiven.
Well, it's been a year since that day.
Kay bilis nga rin ng panahon, today is our wedding. I feel excited, at the same time kinda nervous.
Fast-forward, nung napuntahan na'ko ng asawa ko sa kwarto, ilang minuto pagkatapos non ay lumabas na kami. Malaking handaan din kase ang naganap, maraming bisita ang dumating.
Habang binabati nila kami ay ngumingiti lang ako at nagpapasalamat.
While talking to one of our guest, I saw a familiar face. I smiled at her at nilapitan siya.
“Thank you for coming, Jehara.” I thanked her. She's Jedan's cousin. We used to be so close back then, but when I and Jedan broke up, we also lost communication dahil narin sa matagal kong hinanap sarili ko.
“I'm so happy for you, Haira.” she said and hugged me.
“Kayo sana ni kuya Jedan ang ikakasal kaso—”
“Kaso he cheated on me.” putol ko sa sasabihin niya.
“Huh? Anong cheated on you?”
“Matagal naman na 'yon. I'm moved on.”
“Haira, you really thought he cheated on you?” she said made me confused.
“Wallahi, he never cheated on you, Haira. He loved you more than anything else.”
“T-Then why did he say he cheated?” to be honest, I don't want to talk about this, especially that today is my wedding, but I'm confused. I want to be enlighten.
“He said that? Allahu akbar! He can't do that. He broke up with you because...”
“Because what?” I asked almost begging.
“Because he's dying!” she shouted. “Ayaw niyang mahirapan ka. Alam niyang mas masasaktan ka at mas mahihirapang makalimot. He wanted you to move forward, maybe that's why he said those to you. But trust me, he never cheated to you.”
My tears fell. Alam kong nakamove on na'ko pero bakit ako nasasaktan ngayon?
“W-Where is he now?”
“So you really don't know anything?” I shaked my head crying. “He died, a month ago, Haira. He never stop making dua for your good. We caught him crying to Allah, praying that He heals you. He prayed that you'll find someone who's afraid to hurt your feelings. And Alhamdulillah, his prayers finally answered.”
Knowing that that was the reason why did he say those words makes my heart shatter. I loved him an he loved me. Allahu akbar, I can't imagine how hurt he is.
Kung alam ko lang sana ay baka nasa tabi niya ako habang lumalaban siya, but everything happens for a reason. I need to accept my qadar, because accepting good or bad qadar is part of imaan. I just pray that Allah grant him His jannah.
