𝐋𝐄𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐏𝐏𝐔𝐒 [𝐓𝐊]

Chapter 32

Vivamus

Let's live

The thought kept ringing in his head. Those words he confessed to Jack didn't sit right with him. "I'm not ok". He couldn't make up his mind on the amount of truth behind them.

Later that day, he had dinner with his parents. It was mostly quiet but for his mother asking him how he felt and then asking his father if everything around the lab that day had been alright. She made them feel comfortable when both of their days hadn't been the best.

His father gave him a cream he could use for his bruises, his mother wrapped a towel around an ice bag for him to use, and he kissed them both goodnight. Up, in his room, he found his angel hadn't arrived yet. A deep breath left his lungs and made his shoulders drop. Disappointed, he left the things he held on the foot of his bed and walked over to his closet. But then he stopped looking for his pajamas.

"I'm not ok".

He was beginning to hate those words. He knew he had to be gentle, he knew he had to give himself time, but he also knew that he could be stronger than that. It frustrated him to wonder what the right move should be. If it was right that he was making a mistake by not confronting his fears and it was also right that he was making a mistake by relieving them until he'd desensitized, then it followed logically that he had to follow the path right in the middle. Not too hard, not too soft. But what was hard? What was soft?

He will not ask for professional help, that was decided months ago. But he was also not making any effort to educate himself on the matter. If he was not ok, it was all his fault. That's why he was angry. He hated that the reason he was stuck being weak and vulnerable to the things he was most afraid of was himself. Just like Jack had said. He was trapped in his own head; he was his own jailor, his own bully, his own destruction. But he could also be his own salvation if he was brave enough.

Jungkook turned around and faced the door to his bathroom. It was open, the room inside was dark. If his angel were here, he would stop him from going too far. But he will never know what too far was until he tried it.

So he went to the extreme, doing all the things he knew would trigger him so he could finally recognize how his body and mind felt in those situations.

He went to the door of his room and locked it, then went to his bathroom, turned on the light, and closed the door. He hesitated, his heart already hammering in his chest, and locked it too. Alarms started going off in his head and he stopped to listen to them. They were warning him about the danger of not being able to receive help and he realized something he hadn't before. All of those times when he'd felt fear, he would follow his instincts and stop whatever he was doing. But, now that he was listening, he realized his mistake.

All those times he'd been needing someone to know he was going to get in contact with water was so he could relive the relief of being helped. He was stuck in that moment where being submerged in water meant danger, and having someone else close meant safety. He'd told himself he was safe countless times, but only because someone was close by. He'd been reassuring himself by continuing the narrative fear had installed upon him instead of proving to himself that he was safe regardless of whether or not someone was with him.

With the veil gone, he could see himself clearer. He was standing on the tiled floor of his bathroom, inside his home. He was not safe just because his parents were downstairs, he was safe as long as he was careful of not slipping. He'd never slipped inside his bathroom before, so he knew he could be careful. That's it.