Gwen's Life Journal

Little Venting Moment

feb/16th/2025

So, in the last part of Lukas' story, I mentioned that I had a feeling Zach was going to come back into my life in some way. The main reason for this was the following.

Back in December, a teacher we had in middle school and high school passed away. This was very shocking as she was relatively young. Another important fact was that that teacher was also the mother of one of our classmates.

Something to keep in mind is that Zach and I studied together from middle school until the half of high school, and we were even in the same group together.

For context, there are schools where each student has an individual schedule and others where the same group of students take the same classes and it is based on age. This last one was our case, meaning that part of the reason why I was close, not only with him but also with the rest of the mutual friends we had, was because we would spend approximately 40 hours of weekly school time together. 

Why do I mention this? Because, on the day that the passing of this teacher was announced (sadly it was on Christmas Day), Zach reached out to me. He sent me a message with a picture attached saying "Yo, did you hear about this? You took classes with her, right?"

And many things strike me as wrong. the first one was the greeting. It was odd to me that after a year and a half of no contact, he would reach out to me with a "yo" as if the last time we had spoken was a few days ago. The second thing was the "you took classes with her, right?" part because... yeah, obviously I took classes with her, I was in your same group. We were never in different groups. The teachers you had were mine as well, or did you forget about that?

When I received the message I froze in place. I couldn't believe that he was reaching out, I didn't know how to react and I felt all sorts of emotions. I was initially scared mostly 'cause it surprised me and made me remember the negative stuff from the past. I was also angry about his sudden selective memory loss, which I'm not dumb, I know he just used it as an excuse for me to talk back to him. I was also confused as to why he still had my number after all this time, and why did he still remember me. I know it sounds odd but keep in mind that the last time I saw him was a year and a half ago, but the last time we texted was more than that and could be rounded to a year by a couple of weeks. And yeah, I still have his number, and I had debated whether or not to delete it, but it was cause I ended up being the one hurt in our situation. He ended up in a relationship with his now wife that didn't let him contact any of us.

I didn't reply to the message. I deleted the chat instead. A part of me felt as if by answering I could rekindle the friendship at least. But another part of me thought "Why?" Why would I go back to feeling like I was second best? I knew for a fact that if we connected again, my feelings for him would return. And this time it is worse as he is legit married now. 

I wot lie, when I deleted the message I regretted it immediately and thought to myself "What the hell have I done?"

But after some meditating, and rereading all the chapters I had written over the years about him, it became clear to me I had done the right thing. 

I still feel slightly down. Not as sad as a few years ago, but deep down I did, because I felt like this was a chance to recover something that I had lost and loved. But I had to remind myself that even if he came back, I wouldn't be able to love him as I ideally wanted to. 

I know that my person is close by, but it is so easy to rebound when he isn't there yet and the past positive memories keep dancing in your head as a reminder of what could've been... even if they'll never happen.

Because of this small event and all that went through for me to finally make the decision to delete the chat,  I had a feeling that somehow he was going to return in a more meaningful way. Let's say, a meeting at the mall, or another situation where I cannot escape as easily as ignoring a text message. And I don't feel like it would be in a negative way as in me saying "the universe hates me and wants to see me suffer", but more in like the sense of finishing something that because of many reasons was left unfinished. 

I do ask to the universe several things:

1. Let me please have someone (I instantly think of Xavier who has been out of all my friends the one that has seen all of this truly unfold) that can be my support when the moment comes. Something tells me that if I see him, he will be with his wife, and whether I want to admit it or not, it will hurt to see the scene and to pass this I would like somebody with me that can help me manage that and with whom I don't feel judged by if, let's say, I need a moment to cry or a few seconds to recollect myself.

and 

2. Don't let me be in a position where I feel inferior. On a personal note, I have been struggling a little bit with impostor syndrome. And it is very odd because it has nothing to do with my workplace or my abilities, but with the inexplicable natural way that I compare my successes to others. I know the theory of it all "everyone is on their own journey", and "you shouldn't compare yourself", but it is one of those easier-said-than-done situations and I am still in my journey to let it go. I have gone a long way, but I am not there yet, and I would feel horrible if I were in a situation where a conversation happens and they went "Our lives look amazing and wonderful like this and that", and meanwhile mine is in the "I haven't gotten there yet". I feel like in the worst-case scenario I could pretend and blend in easily because the bad thing about impostor syndrome is feeling like you aren't enough when in actuality you are. But I know that afterwards there is a high chance that I would burst into tears thinking of the what ifs.

I also know that I am making a huge jump to conclusions and that I shouldn't worry about a scenario in my head that hasn't happened yet. But the feeling that he might be around the corner had gone away and now has returned. 

I am scheduling this post in advance and seeing what happens a month from now. It should appear on the 13th of March, roughly a month later. I'll see how I feel about it all when the time comes.

P.S.

 Happy 40th post here!