Starlight

-16-

Asher___

Elle invited me to her church today. I couldn't say no.
Even if I wanted to.
I scanned through my wardrobe picking out a button up black shirt and a black pant to go with it.

Once I'm dressed, I stare at my reflection from the mirror. I look more alive than I have been in days. I grab my Bible and my keys and left for church.

***
I met up with Elle just before she got into the church. We walked hand in hand to our seats with Rose trailing behind us.
Rose sat beside me and Elle on my other side.
She kept fiddling with her gown.
She wore a loose red knee length gown and a black strapped sandal heels to go with it.

She looks beautiful as always.
Elle, on the other hand wore a black skirt with a matching colour top with her mum's dress.

"Bow your head for prayers, uncle Asher." Elle whispered from beside me nudging my ribs with her little elbow.

"Father, I thank you for mummy and for Uncle Asher. I thank you for the gift of life and for granting us another day in your mercy. I thank you for all you do for us, for protection, for your loving kindness. Thank you for making Uncle Asher smile everyday. Thank you for his life. Thank you for making him my friend. I love you, sweet Jesus."

I couldn't help it. I tuned into her prayer, I heard everything.
She prays for me.

**

"Somebody here, God wants me to let you know that he never gave up on you. He still loves you even when you turned your back on Him. He's still waiting for you to come back to Him. He never stopped loving you."

The pastor's voice rang through the hall and I felt something in me stir. It feels like he was talking to me. It's not a feeling.
It was directed to me.

"I know you blame God for everything you're going through. I want you to know that he's not responsible for them. The Lord..."

No!
No!!
Why?
My hands vibrate against my knee. I'm shaking lightly.

Not noticeable but I'm shaking.
I feel someone lace their fingers with mine. I look to my left to see Rose watching me with a softened face.
On a normal day, I would have yelled or snatched my hands away from hers.
But right now, it feels assuring.

"Are you alright?"
I nod, she caressed my palm with that reassuring look on her face.
"Do you want fresh air? Looks like you gonna pass out anytime soon."
"I'm good."
I'm good. I'm okay, now.
Why did my body react that way?

The message went on for a while but I am leaving.
I'm leaving His presence again.
I don't know how to start, don't know where to begin.
I don't know how to stand before Him after putting blames on Him.

I stood up and left without once looking back.

I'm sorry, Elle.

***
"What happened?"
"I'm sorry, sweet pea. Something came up." When she called, she sounded disappointed and sad.

"Are you okay, now?" I nod to her question, picking up my laundry. I have my phone sandwiched between my shoulder and my ear.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'll make it up to you." I coo her, arranging my clothes into place.
"You have to read a Bible story to me during our sleepover."

"Deal." I smile at that.
"Now, we're cleared. What are you doing?" I can already picture her sitting upright at that question, smiling brightly at me.

"Doing some stuffs. I'll be having dinner at Debs." I told her about Debs but they haven't met yet.
"Alright. Say hello to her from me."
"Will do. I'll talk to you, princess. Take care." With that I hung up.

I feel so ashamed running from the presence of God.
Today, I was clarified that God still loves me even when___I abandoned Him.

***
Tomorrow, 4pm.

I stare at my phone after sending that to Rose. Bri giggled from beside me.
Didn't notice her there.
"Rose. The Rose we all know?" She asked although I strongly believe she knows the answer to that.

"Yes." I answer her anyway. She was gonna get the truth out of me somehow.
"Wow. I can't believe this. Do you know I have been rooting for you both?"

I raised an amused brow at that.
How invested is everyone in my life?
My love life?
"Well, you both are made for each other. Gonna find yourselves back to the other somehow." She shrugged her shoulders.

"God always works in mysterious ways. I'm happy, you both found each other." She taps my shoulder, flashing a bright grin at me, heading over to the dining.

"Why do you say that?" I walk into the dinning after her. Leaned on the wall with my arms crossed.

"Say what, exactly? I said a lot of things, Asher." She asserted setting up the dining table.

"Being made for each other..." I trailed off with a roll of my eyes.

"Aren't you both? Made for each other?"
Well, I think we are.
Not gonna lie.

"That look on your face agrees with me." She dusted the chairs, I let my eyes wander round the room.

"The devil puts barriers and deep holes for us to fall in and knock over. If you set your eyes forward and not downward or backward, you have a chance to notice that hole and think of a way out before you get there. And you, Asher, you knocked that barrier over and you fell. You fell so hard, you can't get up. You let the devil run. You let him rule."

I let her words sink in getting the hidden meaning behind those words.
And I understand.
If I was strong in Christ, it would have been revealed to me and I would have worked over it.
But I'm not a fervent Christian.
I'm not a vibrant Christian but a shallow and weak one.

My life's quite relatable with the seeds fallen on thorns like in the Bible. I think Matthew 3:5-22.
I hear the word of God but I'm quickly crowded out by the worries of the world thereby I bear no fruits.

Bri maybe like the seed planted on a good soil but I'm a seed fallen on a thorn.
For I bear no fruits.

###
I pray you will not be a seed fallen among thorns but that which fell into good soil that ye shall bear fruits.

Amen.