Burned

Chapter 1

My body becomes like burning embers that consume me entirely. A feeling of power comes over me and I feel invincible

I walk through a crowd of panicked people, of whom are burning. Hundreds of charred corpses already cover the ground stained with blood, flesh and ashes.

Yet I continue on my way as if hypnotized by what is in front of me. I burn everything in my path and it doesn't affect me in the least.

Within me, the power controls me and all traces of humanity has disappeared. A desire for revenge rages within me and the point of no return begins.

I explode and the fire spreads like wildfire. I destroy myself and wipe out every trace of life on the face of the Earth.

I wake up sweating. My heart beats fast against my ribcage. It's dark and I don't know where I am. Panic holds of me and my body begins to shiver.

I just had a nightmare again. This dream that repeats itself tirelessly every time I close my eyes. This same dream that has haunted me for years. I remember every detail when I close my eyes. It remains imprinted in my memory. In this nightmare, I burst into flames.

I close my eyes and take deep breaths as my therapist taught me to control the wild racing of my heart and my tremors. I loosen my fingers that are gripping the blankets to ease the tension in my body.

After a while, calm returns to me and I finally open my eyes. I then recognize where I am. I stretch to reach the lamp on the bedside table and an amber light appears. I blink to acclimatize to the brightness. My calm and peaceful room emerges before my eyes and it helps to calm my anxieties.

I swallow and notice that my throat is as dry as the Sahara Desert. I get up from my bed and go to the kitchen. The room is dark, and I try to go to the sink to pour myself a glass of water. I try to avoid obstacles, but it's not easy. The room is full of boxes that I haven't opened yet.

I just moved into this new apartment. I could no longer live in the old one. My best friend was desperately looking for a roommate. So I jumped at the opportunity when it presented itself. She couldn't have afforded accommodation like this and in this neighbourhood on her own.

I stub my little toe on the corner of the island. "Shit," I said as I grabbed my foot and wished the searing pain would lessen.

"How can such a small limb trigger such great pain," I wondered.

Then a sound from across the room puts me on alert. I immediately let go of my foot and turn towards the noise.

"Is that you Nova?" asks the shadow that I can now make out in the surrounding darkness.

"Yes, sorry for waking you Em," I said as I stretched to grab a glass from the cupboard.

"It's not easy to find your marks when you've just moved to a new place." She adds in a reassuring voice, "You'll get used to it."

Emilie is my best friend. She has known me since childhood. She knows everything about me and that includes my terrible dreams.

How can you hide this from your friends when you invite them to sleep, and they're awakened in the middle of the night by my screams and my terrified look?

They thought I was possessed and never wanted to come back, except for Emilie.

It was even worse in high school. I was considered the weird or the crazy girl. Em was the only one who stood up for me against the bullies.

My childhood wasn't easy either. I never knew my biological parents.

Before the age of ten, I moved from foster family to foster family and sometimes I resided in centres for problem youth. These were the worst times of my life.

However, I wasn't a difficult little girl, but overwhelmed by what was happening to me. I just wanted to be part of a loving family.

I have always wanted to have a family and a sense of belonging towards others. Feeling loved and protected.

Not all people understand this fact, looking instead for the perfect child. I wasn't perfect in their eyes.

I had baggage that followed me like a shadow. They tried to fix me by making me meet all the experts to find the cause of my nightmares and my anxiety attacks. In vain.

"Why doesn't anyone want me?" I asked one day.

"You're unique, Novalie, and unfortunately not everyone can see it," replied a worker from the centre.

Then one day, a family came and welcomed me as their daughter. They had discovered the special person hidden within me. They hadn't tried to fix me, but had given me what I needed most: love.

"I should get my marks soon," I said, returning to reality. I swallow two large glasses of water one after the other. I'm really thirsty after my dreams.

"Your nightmares again?" She places her hand on me and rubs my back in a motherly way.

"Yep!" I lean towards the dishwasher to put my glass away.

" Can I do something ? "

"You know you can't, Em, but... thanks for offering anyway. I'm going back to sleep. See you in the morning."

She nods to me and I go into my room. I know she would like to help me, but no one can. She tries to show me support and I appreciate it, but I don't want her to pity me too.

I've always coped alone and that's not going to change because I live with her now.

It's Friday today and who says Friday, says happy hour with office colleagues. Usually this lasts until late at night. It feels great to let off some steam and drink a few shots. Anything that can help me forget my problems is welcome.

My nightmares aren't the worst things that have happened to me lately. The Palme d'or goes to my ex-boyfriend.

Ben, aka "the asshole," ran away with his colleague a week before our wedding. He sent me a text message to tell me that he couldn't, and that it would be better for both of us if we stopped there and blah blah blah. Pitiful.

This makes no sense to me at all. Be a man and say it straight. The more I think about it, the more I wonder who does this, dumping their fiancée via text.

That's why I felt a strong urge to move out of my old apartment, which reminded me of my failed relationship with Ben.

My parents suggested that I move back in with them, but for me it was a definite no. I cherish my independence too much and I would never want to impose my presence on them and invade their privacy.

I end up falling asleep remembering my shitty life.