BROKEN COURAGE (Broken Redemption Book 3)

Chapter 5

Emilia

With my head back in the toilet for the third time this morning, I'm relieved Lucas is still out with James, checking the perimeter. In the four days since I promised to stop hiding what I'm going through, I'm struggling to keep my word. I swear I don't mean to shut him out, but if he were to continually see me like this, it wouldn't be long until he figured it out.

The looming decision weighs heavy in my thoughts, and I know with certainty that no matter what I decide, my life will never be the same. It's disheartening and leaves me terrified of the future. I'm back to being consumed by anger at myself, at Creed. Hell, I'm even angry at God and the universe for bringing Lucas back into my life, only to pull the rug out from under us again.

Then there's this baby. Creed's parting gift. Another child he created and abandoned. Another child for me to have to explain that their worth isn't indicative of the man who left them. It makes me so angry I could scream. So incredibly sad I can hardly keep myself from weeping. And I'm scared all these emotions will lead me to make the wrong choice, dooming us all to a life where something will always be missing.

"Mama." Alyssa's voice is followed by a soft knock on the bathroom door.

"I'm coming, Lyssie. Just a second."

Done drying my hands, I take a last look in the mirror, noting the dark circles under my eyes. To say I haven't been sleeping well is an understatement, the evidence of which is clearly displayed on my face. As I usually do when I'm feeling anything but cheerful, I practice my smile in the mirror, opening the door for my daughter only once I know I have it right.

"Hi, baby. Everything okay?"

"Yes. Aunt Jen is here."

"She is? That's a surprise." Given the state I'm in, not a good one.

"Yep. She told me to come get you. She's waiting outside."

"Okay, baby. I just have to brush my teeth, then I'll be out. Can you let her know?"

Before I finish the sentence, Alyssa's already on the move. "Okay."

The sound of her sweet voice as she excitedly skips back the way she came fills my heart with joy. It's a good reminder that no matter the struggle, my girls are my everything.

By the time I've finished brushing my teeth, I'm convinced I can do this. Years of practice have taught me how to compartmentalize the things that are bothering me until I can almost convince myself my problems don't exist. It's something I need to tap into right now if I have any hope of hiding what's going on from Jen. After one last pass of lip gloss, I straighten out my yellow floral sundress and then head outside to see my best friend.

I find Jen sitting on the steps of the deck, watching over the girls as they play on the wooden play set Lucas and James' brother Tyler built for them. When she hears me, she turns to look at me; her face lighting up with a beaming smile.

"There you are. You okay? Lucas told Ben you haven't been feeling well."

Breathe, I remind myself as I do my best to relax the muscles in my face so I appear unaffected. "Yeah, I'm good. I saw Hannah a few days ago. It's just stress from everything going on." Her eagle eyes scan over me in that same unnerving way that's identical to her brother. By the furrow in her brow, I can tell she's not buying my lie, but to my relief, she lets it go.

"Well, you need to take it easy. Lucas is worried about you."

"I know he is. He tells me every chance he gets." I tell her as I take a seat on the steps next to her.