Emilia
As Kessler warned, the light bulb above our heads shut off without warning. As I expected, Alyssa reverted to the scared little girl who clung to me for dear life when I first woke up in this place. Her broken cries as she succumbed to her panic nearly broke me, but for both her sake and mine, I fought off the urge to weep alongside her. To get us through this, I need to be strong. As heartbreaking as it is to feel her trembling in my arms, I'm relieved she's exhausted herself to harried sniffles and quiet whimpers.
Rocking her back and forth, I close my eyes and think back to the night we brought her home from the hospital. That first night was a rough one for Creed and me, as we spent hours trying to comfort our newborn daughter. After listening to my baby girl cry for what felt like an eternity, I was so emotional and exhausted that I broke down in Creed's arms. As a new mother, I felt like I was already failing, but he held me close and, with soothing words, slowly pieced me back together. That was one of the rare nights my husband was there when I needed him.
By that time, his job consumed much of his energy and attention, and I spent most of the pregnancy dealing with my fears alone. I remember how hopeful I felt after that night, thinking that with Alyssa's birth, things between us had changed and I was getting my husband back. Little did I know that it would be another four months before he would be there for us again. Turns out what he did that morning was more out of guilt since he knew he'd be leaving us for a long-term assignment the next day, an assignment he didn't tell me about until hours before he left.
I'd forgotten about that.
It's funny how the mind forgets the bad in the face of potential change. Somehow, in the midst of him being declared missing, I forgot all the ways he let me down, all the ways we didn't work. Suddenly, I only remembered the good times, and the bright future I imagined for us. Not the nights spent lying there alone, feeling the little kicks under my hand, as I cried out of loneliness because the man I wanted to share my happiness with wasn't there. Out of the seven years we were married, I spent most of those feeling utterly alone. And here I am once again—except this time divorced—facing the prospect of bringing yet another life into the world all on my own.
It's overwhelming.
"Mama." She sniffles, her little body spasming as she breathes through another sob.
"Yes, baby."
"I'm scared."
I pull her in closer, then lay us both down on the hard ground, side by side, with her little face tucked against my chest.
"I know, sweetheart. But Mama's here. I won't let anything happen to you." I kiss the top of her head, inhaling her sweet scent. "You can go to sleep, and I'll stay awake to watch over you."
"When will Uncle Luc get here?" she asks, her voice quivering as she fights back tears. "I want to go home."
"I know, baby. Me too. But don't worry, they'll be here soon."
"With Mally?" Her question tugs painfully at my heart.
"I'm sure she's with them, baby girl. Aunt Jenny is probably helping take good care of her, so she'll be waiting for us when we get home."
"And Nero?"
"Oh, especially Nero. Did you know he saved Uncle Luc's life when he was a soldier?" She shakes her head and stops crying, clearly intrigued by the story. "He's the best dog ever. He can sniff out bombs, so they don't blow up and hurt people, and he helps catch the bad guys. Oh, and he can help find people. Did you know that?" Again, she shakes her head.
"Uncle Lucas can command him to search. Using his powerful nose, he sniffs until he finds the scent he's looking for, then he follows until he finds out where it is." I give her a playful squeeze and lighten my voice to set her at ease. "He's the best, and I'm sure he's working his sniffer as we speak, on his way to find us." I sniff into her little neck, making her giggle. It's a glorious sound that brings tears to my eyes.
In all the years she's been alive, never has she been this quiet and subdued. It's what terrifies me the most. What if, after all this, I never get back the beautiful, carefree little girl who lights up every room she walks into?
"When mama? When will they find us? Tomorrow?"
At her question, my breath catches in my throat, and I'm grateful it's too dark for her to see the uncertainty written on my face. I hate that I don't have an answer for her, and I despise how my mind warns me not to lie. There's a fine line between hope and despair, and my answer needs to give her enough hope so she has something to cling to, but not so much that she might later lose faith when my promises don't come true.
"I hope so, baby. Why don't you close your eyes and try to get some sleep? Momma will keep watch until Uncle Lucas and Nero get here."
After kissing her forehead, she tucks her little hands between us and settles against me. Even if I wanted to join her in sleep, there's no chance. The ground is hard and unforgiving, the air cold, musty, and damp. Plus, with her hard little head resting in the crook of my arm, there's no way to get comfortable.
Turning my attention to the sound of her breathing, I let my mind drift to thoughts of Lucas. He must be out of his mind with worry by now, but at least Mallory is with him. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. There's this feeling deep down in the pit of my gut that tells me she's safe, protected, and surrounded by his comfort. While there's a lingering question mark about where he and I stand, I can say with absolute certainty he loves the girls as if they were his own.
This thought brings me great comfort. Knowing that if by chance I don't make it out of this, he'll do whatever it takes to be there for the girls. If the worst happens, I pray he finds solace in them and realizes there is no better man to raise them in my absence. Especially if both Alyssa and I don't make it home, Mallory will need him to be her rock, and there's no one better to see her through that kind of loss than my Lucas.
As for Alyssa, I hope he never lets her go. I pray that no matter how much time passes, he'll move heaven and earth to find her and get answers. Just like Creed couldn't let go of what happened to his sister. Now that it's my daughter caught in a similar situation, I completely understand my ex-husband's blind devotion to finding the answers and avenging his sister's death. Now that the roles are reversed, and it's my child's safety on the line, I get why he could never let it go. The realization hits with such blinding force that a sob breaks free from deep within my chest.
God, now I get why he chose to walk away from us. Because his job is so much greater than himself, greater than us. What he stands for, what he fights for and everything he's sacrificed is to help the innocent and forgotten. I've never been more proud of the man I married and divorced than I am at this moment. Now that I understand, I hope I get the chance to tell him.
"You're going to be okay, my sweet girl," I whisper, tears in my eyes as I breathe her in. With Lucas and Creed both out there, fighting for her, there's not a doubt in my mind they'll never stop searching for her.
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Author's Note:
In this chapter, Emilia comes to understand Creed's decisions and what motivated him to choose his job over his family.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. Do you agree with Emilia? Was Creed's decision to pursue the undercover assignment a selfless choice?
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