BROKEN COURAGE (Broken Redemption Book 3)

Chapter 21

Emilia

Lost to the sounds of the old grandfather clock, I try to bring back the confidence I woke with this morning. With my emotions under control, I had clarity. Certain of my path, I swung myself out of bed, put on my robe, and started the day assured that I could be the woman I needed to be today. A good mother, a great friend, and most importantly, a strong independent woman.

The thing about emotions, especially when dealing with heartbreak, is that they are never constant. All it takes is a small trigger or a minor misstep to make you second-guess your capabilities. Pain has a way of making you feel small, insignificant, and insecure. Just like the pendulum of the old clock swings from one end to the next, so too does my resolve. One minute I'm certain of what needs to be done, so sure I have what it takes to do it, but then in the next second I waiver, feeling unprepared. Incapable. Insufficient.

After three days on this roller coaster ride, I want off. I'm tired of the struggle as I move from one peak to the next, terrified of the inevitable drop back down to the oblivion of sadness that comes each time I reach the top. Every minute of the three days he's been gone has been torture. I can't sleep. I can't eat. At this point, I'm nothing more than a shell of the woman I want to be. Like a ship lost at sea, I'm at the mercy of the large waves of emotions that, if I'm not careful, may eventually drown me.

"Have you spoken to him?" Jen asks from where she sits across from me, drinking her iced tea.

"Two days ago." The call came almost 24 hours after he left us. He was between meetings with the client and called to let me know he'd be out of town until Friday evening. He checked in, just like he said he would, but he was distant and the conversation was awkward, leaving me more heartbroken than I was before he called.

"See, I told you he'd stay in touch." She gives me a hopeful smile. One that's meant to put me at ease, but only tightens the tendrils of uncertainty that have taken hold of me.

Uncomfortable with how she's looking at me, I stand from the couch. Gazing out the living room's wall-to-wall windows, I look beyond the fence, focusing on the line of trees that edge the forest that seems to go on for miles. The trees are lush and green but shrouded in the haze of summer heat you can almost see. As with every August, the heat and humidity this time of year limits outdoor activities to either the early morning hours or just after sunset. That the girls have to spend more time indoors is a saving grace, as keeping them entertained helps to distract me from the sting of missing him.

Seeing the empty wooden playground Lucas built for the girls, I think back to the day the guys worked together to make the backyard a perfect escape for them. It was a week after we'd moved here and he was still processing the grief that lingered between the wall of the house, but the minute he got out there to assemble the play set, all his sadness melted away. He seemed more weightless and carefree with each smile and excited squeal from the girls. A week later, we consummated our new relationship and though things between us felt new and almost surreal, we had high hopes our paths were finally aligned.

"Emi. What is it?"

Still focused on the view outside the window, I exhale a pained sigh. "He hasn't called since."

"Have you guys at least talked about what happened that night?"

"No." I shake my head, then turn to face my friend. "There's nothing left to talk about."

"Of course there is, Emi..."

Not liking where this is going, I interrupt. "No. There isn't. He asked for time, Jen. He's made it clear he's not sure he can be the man we need and I won't force it. After Creed, I refuse to sit around waiting for yet another man to decide if he wants a life with me and my children. I deserve better. Hell, my kids deserve better."