BROKEN COURAGE (Broken Redemption Book 3)

Chapter 19

Lucas

The pounding drum beating inside my head rouses me awake. As memories from last night assault my senses, the sour taste of my failures makes my stomach churn.

"It's time to man the fuck up. You're on the verge of losing everything. Stop being a dumbass and get your shit together before it's too late." Ben's last comment to me before we parted ways rings in my head to the throbbing rhythm in my brain.

He'd been so fucking pissed. Not that I blame him, given the sorry state I was in when he arrived. I'd probably care more if last night hadn't been a blatant and painful reminder of my station in this life. I've killed people. I've let others die for the sake of a mission, and let's not forget that time and time again, I've proven incapable of protecting those closest to me. My parents, Marx, Decoy, Keegs, and Schmitty... when it counted, I failed them. Then there is the long list of those I've disappointed and let down over the years, starting with Embree and her father, my sister, Ben, and the rest of our friends. If my past was anything to go by, that I've screwed things up with Embree and the girls is right on par with who I am. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Sitting up, I spot a bottle of water and an unopened box of ibuprofen on the nightstand next to me. After a night spent drowning my sorrows, waking up hungover in my little sister's guest room makes me feel like a piece of shit. I'm her big brother, for God's sake. Losing control like this and putting on display how broken I am is unfair to her. Now she's probably worried sick, which I fucking hate. She's pregnant and happy, just as I always hoped she'd be. The last thing she needs is my screwed-up darkness sullying her doorstep.

Maybe I had it right in the beginning. Maybe I shouldn't have come back to this fucking town, or at the very least I should have fought against the pull that's now allowed them to sink so deep into every fiber of my being that I can no longer see a way forward without them. Not just Embree and the girls, but my sister, her baby, Ben, and the guys. Now I'm stuck. Unable to walk away, yet terrified of facing a future where Embree will be there, but always just out of my reach.

"Oh good. You're awake." Assuming I was alone, I startle at the sound of Jen's voice. "Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you," she winces.

Too embarrassed to meet her eyes, I reach for the medicine, taking four pills out of the pack before swallowing them down with the bottle of water.

"You are aware that taking more than the recommended dosage is ill-advised," she states matter-of-factly.

"I'll take my chances."

"What is up with you, Lucas? Why are you being such an ass?"

"I'm disappointed to see your husband's foul language has rubbed off on you." I stand with my back to her, grab my wallet and phone from the nightstand, and then look at the time. Damn. It's already after four o'clock, which explains why she's home. I had every intention of leaving here before she got off of work so I could avoid her judging inquisition. When I turn to walk past, she takes a step and blocks my exit. "Jenny, I don't have time for this right now."

"Why not? It's not like you have to get back to Emilia since you abandoned her. Again." She seethes that last word, and instantly I'm red hot, my anger boiling over like lava.

"I did not abandon her!" I blurt in a fit of rage.

"Is that right? Then please explain why she's under the impression that you left her?"

"Me? No, she's the one who asked me to leave after I told her I needed time to think and sort through the bullshit in my head. She's who said she didn't have time to wait for me to figure out what I wanted and because of it we couldn't continue with the way things were." Exhausted from my tirade, I take a seat on the edge of the bed. Dropping my head, I fight through the panic clawing up my spine. This can't be it, right? After everything we've been through, this can't be the end.