Peter wakes up feeling sore after a battle with the Sinister Six. ‘I just want to stay here all day.’ The man finally rises after his second alarm goes off.
Peter: “Alright, I’m up.” Peter gets dressed and starts making wheat cakes for breakfast. Suddenly he gets a text from his ex-bully now best friend Flash Thompson.
Flash: Parker, why are there videos fucking several famous porn stars?!
Peter: I needed the money to help pay for Aunt May’s hospital bills. It also is an advantage because I gain crazy amounts of Tantric energy, which makes me stronger and restores me quicker than I can tire myself out.
Flash: This is such bullshit! I used to be a lady’s man, but now all the women I slept with in high school are contacting me trying to get your number.
Peter: It’s okay being a porn star actually kind of sucks. I mean the sex is good, but most of the time the women are on some sort of drug, and the men usually are heavy users of viagra.
Flash: Wait are you saying you sleep with women who are not in the right mind. And you take viagra!
Peter: Well for the first two shoots many of the women were high or at least on something, but once I realized what was going on I demanded that any woman that I sleep with would have to be in the right state of mind. This led to many women thanking me intimately on set. As for the viagra, I don’t take it because of my healing factor, but the other men have to take it which can lead to erectile dysfunction later on. That is why I’m developing a cream that makes it easy to get it up, recover quicker, and make the dick grow a few more inches.
Flash: I sense a great disturbance in the force, like millions of men cried out in joy.
At this point, Kaine joined the group text conversation.
Kaine: I’m gonna need some of that.
Flash: shouldn’t you be the same size and stamina as Peter?
Kaine: The bastard Miles Warren made all clones of Peter have small cocks so the whore instincts in the Gwen Stacy clones wouldn’t cause them to sleep with us.
Peter: It’s not like they would choose to sleep with any version of Peter Parker. I mean even Ghost-Spider is giving it up to Miles Morales. But anyway don’t worry brother I got you.
After that Peter told them he had to go to work. They teased him, but ultimately he walked outside and got on the subway. Unfortunately for Mr. Parker, his luck strikes again.
Random Lady 1: “Oh my God it’s Peter Parker!” the woman explains to her best friend.
Random Lady 2: “What no way. Mariah, Peter was my science teacher before I graduated from Midtown High School.”
Mariah: “Damn, do you think we could get him alone to play Kylie?
Kylie: I’m not sure he would be willing to sleep with us if he found out I was one of his old students.
Mariah: Come on Kylie, it’s not like your sleeping with him to bring your grades up, you are an adult who can make her own decisions. Plus how can he judge you for wanting to have sex with an attractive man when he is a porn star.
The young women approach the distracted Parker who is thinking about what improvements he would make to his cream when he reaches Horizon Labs.
Kylie: “Sir.”
Peter is brought out of his thoughts by a familiar voice. He turns to see two drop-dead gorgeous blondes. The one with blue-eyes he recognized as one of his old students. The other woman was more scantily dressed and had green-eyes.
