Secretly Yours, (Enhypen Jay X Female OC)

Ch. 32: The Wake

I definitely have a lot of regrets concerning how I treated Sawol.

How I ignored her.

How I ignored her calls.

How I stopped writing her letters.

How I ran through the streets with her instead of waiting for the ambulance...

Maybe if I had just waited for the ambulance... Maybe if I had just been a bit more patient and trusted in fate instead of my own actions...

I was an idiot, for sure. And the decisions I've made just had to keep getting wrong every single time...

Why did I run with Sawol on my back that night? Why wasn't I careful? Why wasn't I looking where I was going? Why didn't I listen to anyone? Why didn't I wait? Why...

Why couldn't I reach her?

"Jay...? Jay! You're awake?! He's awake! Sunghoon!"

Why did I wake up too late?

"Yunjin? What's going on?"

Why did I have to be out for this long?

"He's awake! He's waking up. We need to call a nurse or something!"

Why? Why? Just... Why was I late for that, too?

"Jay, stay awake, please! I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've said but you need to stay awake now. Just for now. Please!"

When I woke up for the first time after the accident, it had already been a week since it happened.

I couldn't move. But I could speak, and I could hear, and I could see, and if all that meant I had to deal with the news of Sawol's death, I'd just have rather lost all my senses instead.

It was a miracle, they said. I was the one who received the impact, and yet I survived. And Sawol was just unfortunate. But I knew in my heart that I was at fault for her death.

I'm sure Yunjin and Sunghoon knew, too. They just didn't want to blame me straight to my face. Neither one of them could even look me in the eye, and I felt sick everytime they avoided looking at me. It felt like they wanted me to punish myself. But soon enough, I realized the real reason for their avoidance was something else.

The sun was shining and it was a wonderful day, and it seemed to wang to share that day with me as it streamed in through the windows. However, eventually, its lights were blocked by the shadow and the tall figure of my old friend, his face grimmer than anything I could have ever seen on anyone.

I knew he was about to share something with me, but what else could possibly make this worse? Sawol's gone, and nothing we could do could ever bring her back...

But I had asked him if I could still see her. And I guess, that was my mistake.

"Sawol's funeral ended two days ago... I'm sorry, Jay."

"... W-what?"

Why was it so hard to gain any kind of reassurance for anything? I thought I still had time. I was out only for a week, so surely I could still go see Sawol one last time, but...

"Her ashes are kept at the Loving Memories Columbarium, so you can still visit her there–"

I didn't listen to Sunghoon anymore as I stood up, and his eyes widened as he ran to stop me, but I fought back. "Let me go!"

"What are you doing?! I understand you're upset, but you can't just leave the hospital–"

"Let me go, right now! I have to see her... I have to see her or else I'll never forgive myself–"

"You're hurting yourself, stop it!"

"I don't care! I don't care!" I yelled, one more time as I tried to fight again, but when I did, my limbs went weak, and I collapsed back onto the bed and into Sunghoon as he supported me. I still would have fought back, but as I raised my hand to try and yank his arm away, I grabbed on instead, and tears started pouring out of my eyes as I sat there. "It's my fault... It's my fault she's dead. Why did I do that? Just why..."

I was pathetic. I was useless and pathetic, and I could barely hold myself together, so I held on to Sunghoon instead, crying as he mumbled apologies over and over again.

Why was he apologizing? Why was he apologizing when it was me who had done much more wrongs than everyone else?

Why was I even still alive?

Sawol should have been the one who lived, so what was I still doing here?

.

.

.

"The doctor said you've been doing fairly well with your recovery, but advises against skipping any of your meals. You may not feel like it, but please just try to eat something," Yunjin spoke softly, carrying the food tray on her lap while holding a filled spoon in her hand.

Time had been moving at a pace I couldn't understand. I couldn't even remember how long I had been here anymore or how long it had been since Sawol passed. Not even the perfectly scheduled visits of my mom, Sunghoon, and Yunjin could help me keep track. It was too tiring to pay attention to anything, and honestly, I just wanted to sleep. But even then, everyone was pushing for my recovery, and I just... didn't know what to do with it.

I refused to look at Yunjin as she helped me with my meal again, keeping my head down as I spoke. "Sorry... I'll do better next time."

She didn't seem to know how to respond again, however, but I could feel her sympathetic eyes on me for a bit, before she sighed, placed the spoon into one of the bowls on the tray, and then stood up before placing the tray on the stool she once sat at. "I'll leave you by yourself for a while. I just need to go to the bathroom," she spoke, and then she left the room.

I sighed after I heard the door click, and then I slowly lifted my head, looking towards the food tray she left behind.

... It had shrimp in it.

"Ugh." I groaned as I looked at it in disgust, before standing up and picking up the bowl with it and then walking to the window. A light splash came from below as I tossed it out, and then turned only to suddenly drop the bowl. The sound of the plastic hitting the tiles madee flinch, but it didn't take long before I hissed in annoyance and then bent down to pick it up.

My whole body didn't hurt as much as it did the first days I was here, so I guess that was something better.

I turned back to the hospital bed and the desk right beside it as I got up. And then something on the desk caught my eye. I froze for a moment, looking at it in confusion and furrowing my brows before slowly approaching it.

How did it get there? How come I didn't notice it a while ago?

I looked at it, and it seemed to look back at me like an old friend I was seeing again after such a long time. And then I set the bowl back on the tray, my eyes still on the two things lying on the desk:

A pen sitting on top of a blank piece of paper.

They really did feel like old friends, and I breathed out a sigh as I picked them up.