आगाज़ (Beginning)

58• Brain or heart?

Thoda sa mai khafa ho gaya
apne aap se,
Thoda sa tujhe pe bhi
bewajah hi malal aaye!!!!
♡

One and a half months later.

Varnika's POV

Now you have access to my house, my office, my library, my family, my data... All of it, EXCEPT ME.

The words echoed in my brain which is the only organ in my body that's working in its sense.

Rest everything is scram.
My heart, my soul, my body, my eyes, my feelings,
Every fucking things is numb and dead.

Why?
Why?
Why?

Why every single time me?

At this point of life, I'm literally convinced and understood that though I have everything materialistic in my life, happiness was never in my share.

I don't deserve to live.

I'm a psychopath who just deserves to suffer and be punished for what I did.

I ruined everything.

When finally things were coming on the right track. When finally I surrendered my heart. When I finally stepped in the battle I was called, LOVE...
My fate couldn't accept it.

You know what's the easiest thing..?
Someone would say, cutting off relationships with everyone but in reality the easiest thing is...
Death.
And if I ask the toughest..?
It's when someone pulls the soul out of your hand and leaves you to stay alive with a lifeless human structure often called a body.

It's been almost two months, since he left still the whole night runs on my mind 24/7. And since the day he left, my whole world stopped.
It feels lifeless to live without him.

Without his presence.

Without his voice.

Without his essence.

Every single thing is changed.

Misery. Pain. Agony. Excruciation.

That's all I deserve and deep inside a part of my heart knew it would happen and now when it finally did, I'm feeling like killing myself.

I feel like taking the remaining life left inside me that hurt him.

That hurt My Agastya.

So deep, so painfully that he left me.
He left his Jaana?

I don't deserve to live!!!

I couldn't stop the tears flowing down my eyes because I actually can't.
In the last one month, I forgot the meaning of peace.
As if it didn't ever exist.

I forgot how home feels.
I forgot how to be happy.
I forgot how to smile genuinely.

The only thing I remember is him, his wrath, his last words, his painful eyes killing me every time they meet mine.

He doesn't deserve this.
Agastya deserved every crumble of happiness in his life.
He deserves trust and affection.
He deserves care.
He deserves bliss and peace.
He deserves to be loved to the moon and back.
But what did I do....?
I hurt him to the hell and hound.

I broke his heart.
I betrayed him.
I don't deserve his love.
I don't deserve his care.
I don't deserve his warmth.
I don't deserve him.

And that's the reason why Destiny took him away from me.

Staring at the moon from the balcony, sleeping there only, dreaming about him in every sleep and waking up without even his mention.
That's what my life is nowadays.