The Lotus's Flame

Jax Part 2

Jax awoke with a terrible hangover from the night before. As he rolled from the bed, he saw a woman passed out, naked beside him. In truth, he was thankful she was out cold because he did not have the faintest idea who she was. To be even more honest, he did not give a damn either. Last night was the same as many other nights before. Sure, she was pretty enough, with her milky white skin and red as-fire hair. Those sexy lips of hers were so perfect, pink, and soft like velvet against the flesh of his body. She has the most magnetic, hazel eyes that almost seemed to beckon him to her bed. Her long, luxurious legs had been wrapped tightly around his hips many times, but she meant absolutely nothing to him. She was just another groupie looking to lay claim on him. He called her his little Jewl, with those tempting lips of hers, sweet and glistening after blowing him every night. She was hot as fire between the legs, and she took it no matter how hard or rough he gave it to her. Jax was sure Jewl mentioned her real name several times when he first met her a year ago, if not longer. He dismissed her name just as he disappeared on her now, leaving her behind like dust in the wind, a distant memory in this hectic lifestyle of his.

Being the star he was, Jax partied vigorously. He would party all night after a big show. When he woke up the next day, he would be in bed with some dumb groupie with a double-digit IQ and the body of a supermodel. Most men would have considered this a dream come true; to him, it was a nightmare. The truth was that he had grown tired of this lifestyle; he felt more dead than alive inside. He felt trapped inside a never-ending maze, drowning in his monstrous actions. The only time he felt alive was when he was on stage, singing the lyrics of his songs. Lyrics he had written from his very soul. He slowly rolled from the bed, grabbed a cigarette from the nightstand, and lit it. He turned toward Jewel again, ensuring he did not wake her. With a growl, he lifted the cigarette to his lips and inhaled.

Jax pulled his jeans up over his muscled, solid thighs and fastened them after finishing his smoke. He pulled his biker boots on. He did not even pause to take a last glance at Jewel when he walked from the hotel room to find the rest of his band. As he walked through the hotel, going to every one of their rooms, he wanted to break something. His misery was consuming his very soul. He told them they had an hour to be ready or he would leave without them. He knew deep inside that he would never make good on this threat, but what they did not know would not kill them. Once they were all packed and ready, they would be off to California for a big show.

The moment he stepped onto the tour bus, Jax stormed to the back. He wanted to be left alone to try to get a hold of himself. He loved every one of his bandmates as if they were family. He refused to burden them with his crazy, mixed feelings of depression and rage. He knew that they were the only family he would ever have, especially since his parents died when he was a young teen. He had been their only child and living relative when the car crash ended their lives. Jax ran away to avoid an orphanage. He spent most of those teen years out on the streets of California but was fortunate that he knew how to play the guitar and sing. It was his gift in music that kept him fed and alive. He had played in bars and cheap hotels for food and a place to lay his head at night. It was in one of those bars that he later met Nick. A drummer asked him to help form a band.

It seemed to Jax that he was cursed or doomed to be alone no matter where he went or was. He was in several relationships that always failed due to his trust issues. He never seemed to open up enough to make it work. His manager suggested that he see a shrink, but once again, he could not open up for the counseling to do him a bit of good. It was after these failed attempts that he started using alcohol and drugs to fill the emptiness of his soul. He felt the only time he was loved or understood was when he was on the stage, singing about his feelings that he could not voice.

Jax lay back on his bunk, listening to the engine of the tour bus as it took them to the airport, wishing he were anywhere but there. He wanted to drive his troubled thoughts from his mind, forget the woman he left behind in the hotel. He hated himself for not remembering her real name or how they first met. He knew if his parents were alive, they would be ashamed that he used her as he did. He remembered his mother always telling him that a woman should be treated with respect. Both his father and mother were strict on marriage before intercourse. They both believed that the act of love should not be experienced until one was indeed in love. As a young man, Jax did not have to worry about this. He was not what one would call attractive. He had skin plagued by acne, so the girls usually shied away from him. Due to his parents' extreme religious views and morals, he did not have many friends, so he always felt like a bit of an outcast. The friends he did have were only his friends because he was in the school band and choir with them. He played the drums while he was in the band, played them so wickedly that he was named best band member two years in a row. Music was his way of fitting in with others; in the choir, he sang bass and alto. He enjoyed singing only in small measurements because it was playing an instrument that was his real passion.

Jax smiled as he remembered his mother's face when he finally got the courage to ask her for a guitar. She was surprised since the only instrument he ever played was the drums. He told her he wanted to try something new and was passionate about it. He was relieved when she asked no more and offered him guitar lessons. She told him if he learned how to play, she would buy him the guitar.

This memory faded as a single tear slid down his face. Jax closed his eyes, forcing the memory of his mother away. During the entire ride, he hid his true feelings from his bandmates. He knew they lived for the lifestyle just as much as they did for the music. He felt a strong sense of duty to them, and this duty was what kept him from revealing his true self. On the outside, he kept silent, but on the inside, he was screaming, pleading for something real, something pure in this life of darkness and despair.

Jax kept to himself, writing lyrics for the band's next album. Nick, his drummer, usually helped him write them. This time, Jax closed himself off to even him. At one time, he considered Nick a brother more than a friend, but now he was just another stranger in the useless existence he called his life. He knew he should not feel that way, but he did. As Nick looked at Jax, Jax knew he was trying desperately to understand his drawl from the band and himself. He knew Nick loved him as he did him, as a brother. He desperately wanted to reach out to him. Jax could see the questions in his eyes but could not answer them. Before Nick could say anything, Jax stalked off the tour bus and into the airport. As he went inside, he could feel Nick's and the other band members' eyes on him. He could hear them asking what was going on with him. He desperately wished he could turn around and tell them all the truth. Tell them about the emptiness he felt inside, the loneliness that seemed to suck him into the darkness further and further each passing day. However, he knew they could not understand, so he kept silent, letting his sorrows consume him.

Hours after the plane ride, Jax lay in a hotel room bed, praying for a sign to stop him from letting go and not feeling anything for anyone again. Just before he could shut his eyes, his cell phone rang, and he reached for it in annoyance. He was surprised when a familiar, seductive voice filled his ear.

"Jewel, how did you get my number," he demanded.

Jax let out a growl when Jewl's answer confirmed what he already knew: that he had given it to her in one of his drunken states.

"I am trying to get some sleep right now. Can we talk another time," he hissed.

Jax was relieved when Jewl did not argue. He hung up the cell and relaxed against the soft bed again, stretching out like a panther. But before he could close his eyes, he heard Nick.

"Damn it, Man! What does a guy have to do to get a little peace these days," Jax shouted. His eyes grew dark like an emerald as they locked with Nick's concerned ones. He watched as Nick walked over to sit on a chair in front of the bed where he lay.

"Alright, Nick. What is it? Make it fast, bro, because I am in a shit mood already," Jax warned as he sat up to hear what his bandmate had to say.

"The guys and I want to know what is happening, man. "We are all concerned about you," Nick sighed.

Jax wanted to tell the truth that he was fed up with the party scene. He wanted a more meaningful existence. He swallowed back the truth.

"I am just a little worn out from the tour, man. I guess I have been thinking about the death of my parents a lot lately, and the stress is a bit consuming. I am just staying to myself, working on killer riffs and lyrics for the upcoming album. Give me a little time, and I will return to myself."

"I understand, Jax; I love you like a brother. I will give you some space; remember, I'm here for you, bro."

Jax was relieved when Nick's words confirmed he understood and that he would give him some space.

"Thanks, bro. I knew you would understand and have my back," Jax lied. He groaned, rolling over to his side when Nick finally left his room. He closed his eyes, hoping the world of dreams would take him to a better place. However, as he lay there falling into a deep sleep, all he saw was complete darkness.