a Story

a Story XIV

June 23rd 2024:

The therapist confirmed my suspicions on my mother's behavior, she indeed sees herself as an all-knowing person, and even today she made my sister cry again, she is strangely against my sister's doings a lot lately, and I can't help my sister at anything, I am basically a bad brother to her, I want to support her, hug her, tell her that everything will be alright, but will this mother of mine let me do this?

Well, let's talk about what happened these past minutes. My mother was yelling again at my sister, I got a bit angry, I was pouring a bit of juice and it overflowed a bit while I was watching her yelling, when she saw that I told her why it happened, she got a bit mad. She started threatening me with her not making food for me anymore and such, and started hitting me, I stopped those hits with my hands, she didn't like that, when she realized that she can bring my father to hit me, she started acting that she got hurt. Hit after hit, my father finally came, heard her story, and he too started threatening me. While trying to wipe what overflowed minutes ago, she started to push me back. When my father got angry, he cleared the path for me to go, and on the way they both slapped the back of my neck so hard that I almost fell unconscious there, my vision did get a bit blurry. I simply said "Wow", and she continued hitting me, and my father literally kicked my ass while I was going in my room. It is indeed funny how she called father, knowing very well how angry he will get, and that he will definitely hurt me really bad, and still begged him to not hit me, yelling it across the house. It reminds of that syndrome, where a parent hurt their child on purpose, to help them afterwards and get that feeling of accomplishment. My father came to my room afterwards, threatening me again, I stayed calm, he got angrier, and he left the room while yelling at everyone. Let's take revenge on them, shall we? Let's hurt what they supposedly love most, let's cut that chest wide open, or even better, let's make a new scar, somewhere that will make people question what's really happening in this house.

While I was doing my thing, tears started dropping, and I am sure of myself, I am not sad. I guess my revenge is taking place, this body is crying, feeling the pain. Now, I am not just "not sad", I am happy, I am getting results, I am taking revenge on them.

When he was in my room, he kept saying "you are wrong", well, what is wrong according to you? What is right according to you?Those things that people see as absolute, keep changing them when they need it to be changed, to not see themselves as hypocrites. And in this case, father, if what I did was indeed wrong, then everyone will see it as wrong and agree with you, however many people will say no, which makes the "right"and "wrong" subjective values, not absolute, which makes neither of us right or wrong, and it will remain a simple judgment, a judgment that you think you can do because you see me as your property, something that belongs to you, and here, we are entering a great field, filled with landmines. I will let you, dear reader, think about this, while I, poor writer, suffer with those wounds that I unconsciously made.

June 24th 2024:

He kept yelling in the car, I am getting this urge to just stab them, my sister is helping me a bit. I want to kill them, it will end this suffering, this cursed loop, I hate them, I just want to kill them.

I do plan on leaving this house, I can't keep on suffering, I can't even work properly now, I hate them, they are making me suffer for their own satisfaction, I am going to take my revenge, it would be bad for them.

Following my therapist's advice, I tried to talk to my mother, she threatened me again with "I could have gone to the police and put you to jail for many months", she said that to show how she is very caring. Across the house I heard her yelling at my sister "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP", she has always been like this, I hate her, she wouldn't hesitate to put me in jail, no mother would ever do that to her son if she loved him. I am not loved by my parents, who is going to love me? No one. I am bound to live a lonely life, away from love, away from that warmth, I will be constantly followed by that cold wind of loneliness, constantly hearing that I am a bad son. I am bound to suffer, bound to live life at its worst, at its lowest, and absolutely no one will ever think of me as someone who deserves love. I will only get hate, sadness, loneliness, all the negative emotions that torture my very soul, this is my fate.

June 27th 2024:

I passed the last days in the dorms, it made me quite happy. I still wish for everything to end eventually, those parents with their yelling, my love to that person, who seems to prefer not to talk to me. If everything were to end now, I will feel free, peaceful, and happy.