a Story

a Story XVII

July 20th 2024:

Each time I love someone I end up hurting myself, I end up broken, lost, merely a corpse, each time I show my love for someone they end up leaving me, ignoring me, forgetting about me. I'll finish this by going radio silent for a while, I'm thinking of shutting down my phone, cutting myself from the world, I'll be very alive, but no one will know. Only sentence in my mind, '' you deserve pain, you deserve suffering, you deserve loneliness '', what I beg to have from those I love, others get it easily, I am definitely left to rot alone with my computer to keep writing this story. Why do I keep getting attached? Why do I keep giving love? Why do I keep hurting myself for others? Why am I always kind? Why? I must calm down, I must get rid of this anger, I must end this rage, I only know one method, a bad one, and yet it is the most efficient one I know, I am sorry for what is coming, I must open that scar again, it is the only way I know, the best one I know, I am sorry, but this hatred will consume me, and push me to do things way worse than this, time to go see some blood.

July 21st 2024:

I found out I've written something on my phone while I was sleeping, maybe the sleepwalking thing I am not really sure, but I have written this : "You don't deserve to be loved, you don't deserve to be liked, you don't deserve to be cared for, you don't deserve to be checked on, you don't deserve kindness, you don't deserve to be known, you don't deserve to live. ". I guess even my subconscious hates my guts, and if anyone talks about self-love and tells me I should love myself, forget it, it doesn't work, it will never work.

I feel betrayed, lied to, is her telling me to not get attached a disclaimer for what's happening right now? Why do I keep losing people like that? I hope she forgets about this story, it is better. I am dying here because you lied, because you lied, I can't even see the screen properly, I might just die at this rate, it is better, I am only hurting myself, cutting myself, starving myself, I am killing myself slowly, and I deserve this agony, if it continues like this I might die next week, of course if parents don't force me to eat, I can't even eat anything, everything is just tasteless and is too heavy for my mouth, my vision is blurry. All I got for now is water, I drank a whole bottle but I am still thirsty, but I don't want to drink anymore, I don't deserve such cool water, I deserve this pain, this suffering, I deserve it all.

Still did not eat anything, I am only drinking water, it hurts but this is the price to pay.

July 22nd 2024:

I had to eat breakfast, my parents think I am eating outside, so I should give them this delusion, if they keep thinking I already ate, it will be easier to starve, I feel pain in my muscles, my arms to be exact, is it because of my hunger?

It is funny how they still can't accept that I can't eat anything, that I have lost appetite, that I am willing to starve myself, are they really my parents at this rate?

I am used to the hunger now, I am used to the thirst too, I will be dying quickly at this rate, and that's okay, I deserve this agony, no one will care, everyone has his own life and problems to focus on, everyone will quickly forget about me, my greatest fear will come true, and that's okay, I deserve it, I did many bad things, this is my punishment.

July 23rd 2024:

Funny how mother asked whether I'll get breakfast tomorrow or not, when I said " well until tomorrow morning i don't know right now ", she simply told me that she doesn't want her sleep to be disturbed, when I said that I don't know, she said something I couldn't really hear since the internet was bad but I heard something like "don't disturb me tomorrow ", i guess this path will indeed make everyone's life easier, it is better than expected.

I am officially past the thirty hours mark, and guess what? Mother still can't believe it, she is so delusional that she cursed at me while implying that I am a cheap copy only taking after what's bad in them, she still does think I am eating outside. However, my aunt is coming, either today or tomorrow, and she will force me to eat, I was planning on dying this week, why isn't this happening? Why each of my plans end up failing? Am I really bound to suffer each second in this house with those weird parents? What is even the purpose of my existence if I can't die? I want to die, and I need to do this, quickly.

It hurts, I need to forget hunger, pain, pain everywhere, my body hurts, everything hurts, I need to die fast, unbearable pain, it hurts.

Every movement is tiring, I feel tired, I need to finish this, I need to die, this suffering will be rewarded, at last, with the greatest gift ever, the greatest rest, death, I must continue on doing this, I must die before the weekend, I can't see the keyboard clearly, my vision is a bit fuzzy, I need to sleep, again.

They barged into my room, they kept asking me what's wrong, mother tried to loosen up the tension between us, I didn't let that go. Father forced me to eat, with her pulling my leg out of the bed, I was forced to eat. My thirty six hours starvation ended up with nothing, all this was in vain, I think I should do this plan when I am in the dorms, this way they can't stop me, and I will die there.

She did not read that story, I guess that everything is ruined after all, yeah, shouldn't have shown her any of this, strangers are better when it comes to such suffering.