a Story

a Story X

May 19th 2024:

We have guests at home, I remember my mum telling me about this last second, and she just said that I'm always locked up in my room, of course I won't know. I wonder who set the floor plan and make my room so far from everyone else, I wonder who didn't come and tell me about the guests since having guests here is not common, at all. Why the hell do they blame me for what they had done? Are they afraid of this responsibility? Or rather, are they afraid of saying "It is my fault, I am sorry."? As if, they don't want their status of parents to be taken away.

I just remembered what the therapist said about me trying to understand why people are the way they are, and that I should stop that and accept them, but how can I have a good relationship with them without understanding them? There is no other way for me to get along with people if I don't know these things, I won't be considering people as a black box, and only care about the input and output, that is not my nature,that is not how we should treat people. Treating them that way is basically considering them tools, you give them something, you wait for what they give, if you don't like it you just look for another black box, that's just inhumane to do so. I'd rather try to understand what is inside that box, and get to know them, and thus building a specific personality to talk to them.

I may have a lot of personalities at this rate, I keep changing constantly, and I wonder which one is the original. Maybe it is not a personality, but a function that must have been created during the conception of these characters, and I'd like to call it "the watcher", overseeing each movements and changing each personality to keep up with the exterior changes, he is the original, because he is the one writing right now.

I slept for an hour, I cannot breathe efficiently, each breath consumes a lot of effort, death will make me feel better certainly, no need to breathe, no need to think, no consequences, just peace. I pray that it comes sooner, I don't want to kill myself, because hell isn't very welcoming, I'll wait for it, and in the meantime, I'll do some good things for people, a simple way of life, right?

May 21st 2024:

I wonder what will happen if I were to cut everyone of my life, ghosting everyone, acquaintances and best friends, and start everything over again. I may have this obsession of starting my life again, rewind time, the concept of "restart" seems my ultimate goal, and I can't think about anything else when it comes to what I want to do. It is the solution I've been looking for my entire life and this is the only thing that might really save me.

I recently talked to my good friend, the one I stayed with almost a week during the last summer, and somehow we ended up talking about a girl in my class, she was with us last time, that Friday. She was so nice to me it felt awkward, I had interest in her because she is, cute? The way she talks, responds, moves around, it is purely joy in my eyes. I got to stop thinking about things like that, last time it didn't end well. Remember, me, you do not deserve love, you committed too many mistakes for a woman to love you, this is a fantasy that you should not even dream of, think of, or see it as a possibility. The path you have chosen and the future you are seeking condemned you to suffer in hatred and loneliness, you want to cut off everyone so don't waste your time daydreaming about these futilities, it will only hold you back from reaching your ultimate goal, your restart, your new beginning.

I do not care anymore about my food or hygiene, it is scaring me, I am usually so meticulous when it comes to this but right now I'm not giving it any thought. Is this the depression I thought I had conquered? I did not conquer anything, or win anything, I am merely a loser who kept losing continuously and couldn't get back up, each hit sent me down deeper into the abyss, each fall weakened my legs even more, I am lost, dear reader.

When it comes to writing my emotions, I can keep typing on this keyboard until my muscles gave up, because there is no end to my thoughts. The human mind is full with ideas, nothing in this world can really contain each idea coming from a single brain. It will keep producing them even when sleeping, this marvel of nature does fascinate me. If I were to change my career, I would have gone for neurology, and dive in the past studies to understand the function of each part of the brain, and add my own thing to this encyclopedia, making my name immortal, alongside giants that we remember today.

May 23rd 2024:

Why are they soft with me? Almost a week had passed and they are already talking with me as if nothing happened, is this hypocrisy? They are liars, I do know that, they have many faces, I know that too, so why are you surprised? I don't know, I am confused. I want them to hate me, I want to see that anger, I want to see that rage they showed me that night, that is how they are supposed to deal with me, not being always soft, I should suffer, I don't deserve this.

The scars on my chest are still here, I do want to add some new red lines but I'll restrain myself for now, I don't see the reason to commit this sin, I have the urge but my brain says no, I'm still a bit sane, that's good, I know what's bad and what's not, and if one day I were to lose this common sense once and for all, that is my end, and the end for this book, I might write here but it'll only be gibberish you won't understand, even I won't understand a single sentence.

May 24th 2024:

"Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on Earth." - Fyodor Dostoevsky.