a Story

a Story XII

June 5th 2024:

Even at night, even when I close my eyes, I still wish for everything to just stop, just ends, not like killing myself, it would be really problematic afterwards, but I wouldn't mind if someone just came to kill me, to end me, to finish me, and finish this. I don't think the therapist understood that day what I meant when I said "I see death as the only solution", I didn't mean it as if I want to kill myself, but I just want to die, I just want it to come and happen, ending each suffering that keeps me from sleeping right now and makes me type those letters furiously on this keyboard. Death is rest, but do I deserve rest? Should I rest? Should I suffer? Should I pay for what I did? Should I keep suffering? Am I bound to suffer even when I really wish I do not? Maybe a voice can help now, I just want someone to tell me everything is okay, I just want someone to hug me, I just want someone to tell me that this life is worth living. No, it is not just someone, I need that someone, that person, because if that person told me that, yes, it would help, I have tears in my eyes again, sadness is flowing through my chest, even when looking at this camera my face didn't change, always the old bearded guy with heavy dark circles. Why am I even writing all of this? It only aches my heart each time I read all of this, what happened to me? Why? How? Questions keep piling up, and no answers to be found, only confusion remains, and sadness to cover that up. If only I died back then, if only I didn't buckle up that seat-belt, if only my cousin didn't hold me, if only I died that day, everything will be so peaceful, so calm, no pain, no suffering, only...only what? What am I even looking for? Where am I heading? What is my goal? I should have died, I won't have to think about any of this, life is suffering, and I see that I have suffered enough, because having to subconsciously make a big scar on my chest without really understanding why is the greatest proof that life is suffering, and yet people cling into it with every mean possible, I do not understand, and I surely won't, for a long time.

June 6th 2024:

My sister ended her exams today, I am sure she did well, she is a hard worker after all. But for me, I don't think I can pass any exam, everything is just crumbling down, I can't hold it straight, because even the ground I am standing on keeps cracking, and heavy chunks keep falling. My world is being destroyed each day, and I don't know how to stop it. Each time I looked for help from outside, they only built their world on top of mine, leaving me confused. People think they can understand me but they only relate to something similar, they are somehow destroying my world too. Should I close everything again? No, I did that once and it didn't work well, I'll look for help, but only from those who know me best.

Each time I look at that scar on my chest, I keep wondering, why did I really do it? And I can't find an answer to that, unfortunately. An ambition to have a scar reminding me each day of the failing education of my parents? A foolish idea of destroying what my parents love as payback for what they did to me? Either way I see this decision as dumb, I might do it again, but it still is dumb. I wonder how can the therapist understand me when reading this, as sometimes I find myself hiding things from this story because I know someone else will read it, and I am afraid of that judgment, that look, that opinion, it makes feel uneasy, anxious, overwhelmed, forcing me to cower from fear of hearing something displeasing, I am weak, that's a fact.

June 7th 2024:

Why do I keep thinking about her? I should not have these thoughts anymore since that person, the wound is still bleeding, am I expecting her to patch it up and stay by my side, telling me everything is going to be alright? I am definitely dreaming again, this won't happen, in a million years.

June 10th 2024:

I talked with the therapist about the mutilation I've been doing, she was somehow shocked, and she asked if she can meet my mother to understand how she thinks. This person does want to help me, and I thank her for that.

June 11th 2024:

I need someone to tell me it is okay, I need her to tell me that, I am going insane, I am scared, I am going crazy, this is not good, please, I need that "it is going to be alright", because nothing seems to be the case. I need her help, please.