a Story

a Story XVIII

July 26th 2024:

I feel betrayed, by all of them, no one thought of me as a friend, I hate them, they were never interested in my existence, of course, why would you like to talk to a suicidal coward? Why would you care for him? He might kill himself any second now. You? Care for me? Of course I felt it was strange, why am I always friends with those people? Better live alone, I was born alone, I will die alone, let's just make this one continuous line of loneliness.

It hurts, to keep thinking about this, make it stop, shut up, stop, no more scenarios, no more voices, shut up, shut up, shut up. Stop them, it hurts, stop, shut up, shut the fuck up.

July 27th 2024:

A friend of mine told me that if she doesn't love me, she will never. If I can't continue my life with her I don't know how I can, it's either her or loneliness till death, I am used to loneliness but the weight is getting heavier as we speak, and I don't think I can remain that immune to it, it will come back, it always comes back, but the next time might be the finisher for me.

July 30th 2024:

I really don't understand people, I am not a social person, and I don't think I can live alone, I am bound to losing people, that's my life, a cycle of meeting, knowing, losing and meeting again, no one will remain by my side, that's my reality, and I will accept it.

I made a bet with her, if she doesn't read the next part in eight days, she loses, and I bet with myself, or the voices in my head, that she will forget the story, because if it was important to her, she won't forget, I just don't get her, I don't understand her, this confusion is killing me, and the song I am listening to right now is emphasizing this agony, "End of Beginning", a very confusing name, but you just feel like you understand it, and that's the feeling I look for in people, that feeling where you don't need to talk and they already get what you are trying to say, a spectacular contrast.

I am not going to lie, the playlist my sister gave me is very good, I am listening to each and every song, and I am literally dancing right now, thank you sister, you are the best.

July 31st 2024:

I don't fucking understand how I keep fucking up conversations with people, she said that she was out bringing something for her parents,and I just responded "OK", I am so mad right now at myself I might just break something to calm down, I will maybe go draw something creepy or watch some videos, I can't work like this.

August 1st 2024:

I keep remembering those scenes at the park, when we kept talking on the road, when I helped her get ice cream, why should I keep suffering from this loneliness? This sadness is overwhelming me, it hurts, to keep thinking about something that will never happen, if it won't be her, then I don't deserve love, I can't even see the screen now, I just want to cry but I can't, I just want to scream but I can't, I just want to hear '' it's okay '' from her sweet voice, why do I keep getting hurt like that? Why do I never get love? I miss her, I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, the pain is unbearable, if it's not her I'll just die, that's the only solution, nothing can bring me back again at this rate, I want to die.

I started to accept that I have no vacation this summer, no swimming, no going out, just pain and suffering and work. I don't deserve anything but pain, that's my new way of life, and I don't think I can accept happy things like before, I am basically a loser, I don't deserve to be very happy, sadness shall be the normal reaction to anything from now on.

August 2nd 2024:

I feel so powerless right now, my friend feels down, she is depressed since she didn't pass an entrance exam, she feels guilty because she dragged along her father in this, I want to help her, comfort her, tell her it's okay, but it seems like she lost hope, she talked about a back-up plan but I don't think it is a good idea. I am not a good friend, I can't even help anyone, fuck, fuck, why are you so powerless like that? You can't even comfort people, you can't even help anyone. At least, I will help her. She is sad, I think she is crying, and she thinks she is dumber than ever, yet she is so smart that I pale in comparison, I will go talk to her, she isn't even answering you, I will see what I can do.

Oh my God she is really crying, see, you are not the good friend you thought you were, I thought I can help, you did not, she is sad, and she is getting sadder as time goes on, you did nothing but worsen her situation, but she said I was helping, of course she will say that, she doesn't want you to feel bad, but the truth is, you couldn't comfort her, you are the worst, an ugly unlovable piece of shit that keeps hurting people, that's what you are, I only wanted to help, and you did not, you only made it worse for them, I am bad, yes you are.