This book was started by a seventeen-year-old guy, who found peace in writing books, and rage in the same time, writing this story until now did give him tears he didn't want, memories he wanted to forget, and feelings he wanted them to disappear. T...
I am still amazed at how humans think, they keep making rules they will surely not follow, they keep talking about following customs while not knowing what they are talking about, they keep babbling about virtues while ignoring them the next few seconds, it is so contradictory that it confuses me. Each time I try to study this phenomenon, I find myself going in circles, and even worse, falling in their mistakes. Is this the human nature to have a constant internal conflict, where your actions are going against your ideas? I might read other essays on this, I want to know how people think, I want to understand them, since each action of theirs has an origin,and I want to find this origin. Because when finding it, we will know what or who to blame, and not make everyone at fault.
I asked her three questions, one of them was the thing she hates the most about me, and she said that she hates the fact that I get attached. And it is true, I do get attached to anyone who is nice to me, but still, there is one person that cares a lot about me and I don't to speak to, what's with this new internal conflict of mine? I guess I am like them after all, a crazy hypocrite.
I HATE YOU MOTHER, YOU ARE A SHAMELESS PERSON THAT ONLY LIKES SHOWING OFF, EVEN ON SERIOUS CONVERSATIONS YOU ONLY WANT TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT YOU ARE KNOWLEDGEABLE, ONLY WANTING TO DOMINATE EACH SMALL TALK, NO WONDER NOT EVEN GRANDMA WANTS YOU TO COME UNLESS WE COME, AND YOU THINK MY REACTION IS A PROBLEM? YOU NEVER SAW YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND SAID THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE DONE SOMETHING BAD? DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT? DO YOU REALLY THINK EVERYBODY IS REALLY AGREEING WITH YOU? I HATE YOU, THIS IS WHY I CAN'T CALL YOU "MUM"AT HOME, BECAUSE EACH TIME I TREAT YOU LIKE ONE, YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A DUMB SON THAT SHOULD ONLY KEEP WORKING TO MAYBE SECURE A GOOD FUTURE, AND I DON'T THINK I WILL CALL YOU "MUM" UNTIL YOU REALIZE YOUR MISTAKES. I WILL NOT. I. WILL. NOT.
My sister does care about me, I love her, I will protect her, she even sent me her music playlist to comfort me, yes my eyes are teary, she is a treasure to me and I will do anything to protect it, I understand now what she meant when asked me to care for my sister, I am just happy to have her in my life, and as the eldest, I will be her guardian angel, even if it costs me my life.
July 18th 2024:
I asked her what would be her reaction if I disappeared one day and later she got the news that I am dead, she said that she couldn't think of anything, and told me I can't find an answer to such questions, little did she know, I would be asking and consoling her family about their loss, I would be sitting at that grave at least once a week and pray for her, and I would make sure that none of her friends forgot she was here, humans die when they are forgotten by everyone, and it will be my mission to make everyone remember you, even those who didn't know her will. She deserves this, she deserves such treatment.
July 19th 2024:
She finally used a weapon on me. She was trying to hit my sister, and when I grabbed the bottle, she started poking and separating my hand from it with a knife, I kept holding, I didn't back down, because when it comes down to this, I will fight back, no hurting people anymore in this house, even if costs my life. She kept threatening me afterwards, telling me to mind my own business, that something bad will happen, that I will get hurt too, and I said simply, let it be, she was surprised, and I got up from the table. I will keep helping, even if it drains my soul.
I drew something, it is not good, at all, just weird shapes and lines, but it felt good, it did.
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