a Story

a Story IX

May 4th 2024:

Maybe I should really disappear the next holidays, it may seem hard and brings suffering, but I am already suffering, it isn't new to me, if I manage to get any money, it would make things easy, but it will take a while, it will really take a while, but I will eventually get what I need, and all what's left is to disappear from the surface of this earth. I do not see it as just an urge, but I think it is my resolution, I need to follow it, even if I would betray everyone.

May 7th 2024:

If they continue treating me as a liar, they will hear the biggest lie that the world will eventually believe, because humans are simple creatures that love such beautiful lies and enjoy hearing them. But I'll give them a lie they will hate, that will shock the world, draw attention to them, and then, this world shall know how sick they are.

May 12th 2024:

Where is my happiness? I do not seem to find it, hurting myself is the only pleasure I still have, it is the one thing that still makes me self-conscious, only when I feel pain I know that I am alive.Suffering with pain is life for me. Sadness and boredom became my main emotions, anxiety still kicks in regularly, but happiness is still fake, still fake.

May 13th 2024:

Am I doomed? Am I cursed to keep suffering? I looked for the therapist in our school and she was not there, it was early though. If she leaves before the time my classes end, I am bound to suffer for eternity, to keep suffering till the day I die.

This friend of mine, a girl, that I like teasing a bit because of her height, might be the first person in a while that read a part of this story. She read a not so meaningful day though, even if it showed my intentions of running away, there is scarier stuff in here, she may have the chance to read them later on, but it won't be soon. For now, only two people on this Earth have read a great part of this story, one of them even has an old save. I wonder if she will be the next person to find out about my personality.

May 14th 2024:

I have talked to the therapist here. She listened to what I had to say, gave me a some advice, and some psychological tests to do. It really helped me sort things out. This person is avoiding me recently, I guess I'll let her be. Strangers again, magnificent. Who had thought that, even after being nice and kind, I'll still get treated like that, this world is really a strange place.

May 17th 2024:

The most dangerous argument with my parents so far, with mother interpreting my words how she likes, and dad believing her word for word, and here I am, finally happy that I told them how I feel, finally accepting death now, I'll wait for you happily, and I will surely get a death that will suit my life. They do not know what they had done, they do not know how they, unwillingly, forced me to cut my chest even more and get crazier. I wonder if I were to make things better by forcing them to kill me, it will hurt my sister of course, I may save her by making some people take care of her, and like that, I have my final rest, and they will know how bad their education was, they only know how to make children, but still oblivious when it comes to properly understand them. They really need schools teaching how to raise kids,because a lot are now lost, brain rotted, crazy, suicidal.

This day went good, we had fun playing around, fell and my leg still hurts with the cramp, we ran together under the rain, it was beautiful, and they made me sad again, they made me beg for death, they made me cut my chest again for who knows how long, thin red lines are all over my chest, there must be way to get a much deeper wound. I just want to be really happy again, I just want real caring parents that will listen to my words, I just want parents who recognize my efforts, I just want them to be honest to each other, I just want them to really love me, to really trust me, I just want to have someone I can lean on, I just want to rest, I just want to die.

I am helpless, nobody can help me right now, I can't be happy, I do not deserve happiness, I do not deserve my eternal rest, I am bound to suffer, to wallow in despair, to hit the bottom of that pit and burn in it constantly, to feel pain in all of its forms, and not die. Death is something good I wished for, and anything I wish for must disappear,anything in my life must go, anything in my life is things I do not deserve, and I do not deserve more, I am a bad person, I am an awful person that hurt others daily, I do not thank people enough, I do not show enough love, I am a bad person that must be locked up and sentenced to close death experiences that involve huge pain, I shall suffer to prove my existence, my good heart and my empathy. I deserved nothing, and must remain with nothing.

My forearms are trembling heavily. I do need to find a better way to hurt myself, methods that hurt so much it proves to people I am here, while remaining alive, death isn't anywhere close to me.

May 18th 2024:

I didn't eat anything for a while now, I am planning on starving myself, this new method will surely be a new experience, a new way to prove my existence, a beautiful way to show them that I hate myself. Making me eat by force is the funniest thing I have ever seen for now, yelling and ordering me to eat because you don't want a starving kid under the same roof, but you will still beat the shit out of him and threaten him until he get that food in his stomach, because you are afraid of the consequences. "I am not speaking Chinese, get up ", I know damn well you're not, and I see that frustration in your eyes when I keep stalling for time, you are all pathetic human beings begging for acceptation and recognition, will do anything to get that spotlight and people know you, pathetic and I hate people like that.

I may have found a better way to suffer more, instead of just starving, which when looking back seems a bit too unoriginal, I will stay hungry until midnight, and when they force me to eat, I'll drink something really cold, to make my stomach confused even more and thus hurting me all night, they thought they won, but I will always keep an ace up my sleeves.