a Story

a Story XV

July 2nd 2024:

Things are starting to get a bit, better? I am not getting those panic attacks anymore, watch videos I like without worrying, going out with my friends, things are getting better. There is a chance for me on staying in the dorms, it is slim, but still I will hold on that hope. The girl I talked about before, I think I will just stay friends with her for now, it is the best decision, I talked about this with a friend of hers, that really helped me out with my love. I will still do everything I can to make her happy, comfortable. She showed me love in the most unexpected times, so I ought to show her that each person she knew this year, will care about her, and make her smile even on the saddest occasions. If I were to fully love someone, I will love her, and if she isn't the one, no one will be.

July 4th 2024:

I've gone out a lot these days, friends and family, but still, each time I remember that, love isn't for me, everything just crumbles, loses its meaning, as if the void is watching me again.

July 7th 2024:

I have passed the last days going out to relieve some stress I had because of studies, even the thought gives me chest pains, I am indeed scared of how this will work out. And I have come to a realization, I certainly do deserve love, but not right now, the people I love will certainly back away when getting this much affection, so not right now, people have other plans than falling in love or thinking about future relationships, so I just need to wait, I'll continue meeting other people, but I will stop loving, no more gifts, no more caring, just acquaintances, just the good old Writer only focusing about work, like he did back in the days.

July 9th 2024:

Each time I am texting someone, and they leave me on sent for hours, I keep wondering if they really want to talk to me, it seems like I'm merely someone you chat with to pass time, I hate this feeling, I hate it, it is awful, it makes feel worthless, and yet those same people keep telling me that I am important to them, this behavior is making me wonder if I indeed have friends or not, this hurts my brain, I won't be thinking about it, for now, I'll just get back to work.

July 11th 2024:

A friend of mine managed to get this story, she kept asking and searching, she read it now, and didn't say anything since. I think I have made a mistake, my will to share this with everyone may have caused a friendship to be destroyed. I keep losing people, constantly, I guess loneliness is my companion after all, it will never leave me, because it is obsessed with me.

July 14th 2024:

She gave me a huge feedback on this story, more than three thousand characters on her text, no one did that for me, I was indeed surprised about this. Later on she said that she cared for me, since the first summer we met, and then, she said something I didn't quite get, "if caring for a friend is love, I do love you", what I understood first-hand is that she loves me as a friend, which I totally do understand, we are friends for more than three years now, but why did she phrase it like that? She could have said that she loves me as a friend and cares about me, why complicate it like that? Moreover, I am quite the dumb guy when it comes to things like those, and she knows that, so why confusing me? She might read this one day, if she ever remembers that I am writing a story, and if you reached here, I would like you to stop what you are doing right now, dear friend, and tell me what you meant by that, sincerely and honestly. 

July 16th 2024:

She went with her friends to a trampoline park, and to be honest with you I was a bit worried, a lot of accidents happen there, and I don't want my close friends to get hurt like that, I will feel so powerless because I always wanted to protect them. She said it was fine, walked around to another place, I guess she did have fun. I am happy for her. I, on the other hand, don't think I can do this, my friends are busy, everyone is worried of next year, as if I am the only one who doesn't give a shit about my future, while I am constantly overthinking each step. This world has too many parallels, and few are willing to understand each one of them.

She really is willing to read the whole story, is she ready for what is more to come? Others told me that this format is interesting, and creative, little do they do know this is not creativity, this is basically a life that unfolds in those lines, each sentence, each word, each letter, is a part of me. What you are reading right now is my pain, my happiness, my enjoyment, my sadness, my madness, "My Story", but it is only one among many, many lives, many stories, which makes it nothing but "a Story".