a Story

a Story XI

May 25th 2024:

Those parents are so paradoxical they make you the bad guy always, when using their arguments on similar occasions they feel offended, as if only them have the right to use those words, and the latter are only convincing when they are blurted out of their mouths. She ironically said "you are attacking me", are you really weak like that? You keep on yelling and threatening everyone that you will leave, seeing yourself as the main character of everyone's story, and cannot develop a mere argument to support your point of view, you are weak, mother, an egocentric person, and if those people want to live in my world, they must live far, because my world doesn't have those values.

My parents were not ready for kids, as soon as we grew up a bit, they started treating us slowly as strangers, applying their weird rules on us, making us basically strangers living under the same roof, each person with his own ideology, and forced to abandon our own to respect and cherish theirs. I am still wondering, how are they thinking? What is their thought process? What made them think like that? Where are those Muslim values? It is not by only praying and fasting that we guarantee heaven, there are many examples that prove this, and even so, they are still stubborn. Do they even realize how dangerous the path they are choosing? Do they even think of all those consequences? Because if they did I won't be writing this story, I won't be begging for death in my sleep, I won't be cutting my chest and smile at those red lines, I won't be asking for help. Their tunnel vision made me something horrible, something I despise, something I don't like to see in the mirror. They were bad to strangers, maybe as a punishment a close one became bad to them, the world is a strange place, everything can happen, even "never" can become "always", only time can tell.

May 27th 2024:

I finally found a song I have been looking for, I feel happy, a strange happiness that reminds me of my childhood, it does feel good.

May 30th 2024:

My breathing has been strange since yesterday, it's as if I'm scared, I am trembling, is this a panic attack? I can't even type words correctly, my fingers are shaking, I don't feel good, I need help, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm scared, my lips are dry, my breath is shaking continuously, now even my jaws are clacking, what is wrong with me? My hands are shaking, what is happening to me? I need help, help me, please.

I still feel fear, my breathing has calmed a bit down but I feel fear, I am afraid of something, something I ignore. I am looking at my room, as if I am paranoid, is this because I didn't sleep at all last time? Does this even happen? I will do a bit of research, maybe I'll find some comforting answers.

I think it's the coffee, I didn't drink coffee for a while, that can explain why my stomach is feeling strange as if I want to throw up, the accelerating heartbeat, and the shaky body. "Medicinenet.com" just confirmed this, unsupervised caffeine intakes cause these symptoms, and I drank a lot of coffee in a short period of time, no more coffee for me.

June 4th 2024:

Those parents really do not try to understand how important it is for me to go to school early, they can't understand that, and when I suggest a solution they keep yelling at me, I hate this behavior, how am I supposed to accept that, therapist? Explain it to me because now I am lost, I do not understand how is it even possible for me to do that, it goes against my existence, accepting that crap is acknowledging that I have no value in this house, that I am nothing but a mere pet that gets happy each time it gets complimented, I am really starting to understand how they perceive the perfect child, little do they know that "perfect" is not something we humans can achieve, we are mere mortals, only having a glimpse of what life actually is, and we dare to look for the perfect, how foolish of them, those who do not accept this reality should wake up before it is too late, but for me, those that shelter me did not wake up, and preferred to continue dreaming, even if it hurts everyone, I do not believe that those selfish pricks raised me, I am not that selfish, surely sometimes I do things that only benefit me, but only when it is needed, however, they do not stop at all, they keep on putting themselves first as if no stranger in this realm is worth a grain of kindness.

I do not deny the many things they did for us, but they should not keep bragging about them as if they are saints that we should see them as god, what is wrong with them? How would they even think so highly of themselves? Why would they think that praying will save them when they do not care about a single stranger? Even worse, they have unending fights with their siblings which makes me wonder each time how should I behave according to my parents. I wish everyone was just honest, a harsh truth is always better than a sugarcoated lie, it may taste sweet at first, but only bitterness will come next. I usually find it funny when their lies are exposed, they seem shocked, like they were not expecting it to happen at all, those praying liars get what they deserve.