a Story

a Story XIII

June 13th 2024:

Today is her birthday, I gave her my gift, the famous book that I always cherished, and a bit of chocolate. She was surprised and almost started crying, damn, I feel happiness right now, I feel like I paid my debt to her, and showed her that her kindness is the best thing that happened to me. I furthermore planned a small party in class, with her close friends, we shared a cake, played "Truth or Dare"a bit, I hope she liked what I planned. She is sitting next to me right now working on something, and it's hilarious how she didn't notice anything, neither her birthday party or that I am writing about her right now. Well, she is a kind soul, and this was acknowledged today, I really hope other people acknowledge her kindness as well, because she was very happy today when we gave her gifts, celebrated with her, that smile warmed my heart.

I was asked during that game whether I have a crush on her, and, well, things like that happen fast, but when I slowly got to know her, I started admiring her, looking at that smile, which now makes my heart race. Which means no, I didn't have a crush on her, I rather developed a liking to her. Fortunately, she didn't give me that awful reaction, and I hope I don't get ghosted, because all that hope I've been building up, will crumble and won't ever get built again.

A random wave of sadness struck me again, I feel low, it seems like everything has lost its meaning, I don't mind dying right now, but do I deserve it? Do I really get to rest? Do I really deserve an eternal rest? No, never, people like me should suffer eternally, fall into despair, and even their death is a harsh one, a cold one, that will only make things worse for them.

I have this fantasy, of someone dear to me calling me on a private number, and telling me "it's alright, you are good, you deserve to be happy, it's going to be alright.", and surely I will cry if I heard that, I really need someone with me right now, someone I can talk with for a while, listen to me, make me happy, this loneliness in this room makes me sick, makes me crazy, makes me insane, I will definitely lose my mind by the end of these next five years.

And to make it even worse those parents won't leave me alone, those who say they care about me make me feel like I owe them everything, basically a business relationship where they gave me a living, and to pay them back, they should own me, as an object. When I say I want to be alone, leave me alone, don't keep pestering me, I already have enough to deal with each day, don't add up to it, you are only making it worse for the both of us, for that business relationship. I cut my chest again, it hurts of course, but I deserve that pain.

June 14th 2024:

I cried a lot today, sadness came over me, anger controlled me later. I talked to the therapist, it seems I have a severe depression, not surprised honestly, but she offered help, and she is planning on talking with my parents because if this goes on and it gets worse, the risk of suicide gets higher, even if I don't think about it a lot, executing it might happen very fast. She insisted that if her therapy won't work, I should look for a psychiatrist, I might need drugs to calm these negative emotions. I wonder what will happen if nothing works, I will certainly see that I am bound to suffer.

June 17th 2024:

I am confused, I want to start working but nothing comes to mind, I want to reserve my place for next year but I'm aware that it is impossible, I am scared, nothing seems to go right, every decision I made is making me go downhill, every step is sending me further down into the pit, and my trust issues are still growing when I feel something isn't good.

June 21st 2024:

A lot of things happened these days. Wednesday, my class and I got out and had a lot of fun, a certain friend helped me getting close to her, I gave her my hat because of the sun, walked with her through everything, helped her climb a bit, I really did have a lot of fun with her, and she kept complaining that her only shoes, she had for now, since she couldn't pack more, hurt her. Yesterday, she kept saying that those shoes still hurt, so I looked, with that certain friend that helped me before, for shoes. Yes, I did that, we eventually found one that looked cute for her and comfortable for no further damage to her feet, but since I was short on money I had to wait for the next day to buy them. Today, I gathered money with my magic prowess, and sent the certain friend to buy them, she encountered some obstacles such as a closed shop, a broken lock...but eventually, she bought the shoes, and gave them to her, without her knowing of course that I bought them, because she wouldn't accept them, which goes against the goal of not hurting her legs, thus making all this work go to vain. She accepted them, she wore them, and now she is fine, and I am happy for her. I guess I do love her after all, maybe she is the one. Everyone that day was supporting us, no one wanted to intrude on us, I appreciate them for that. I hope I don't lose her, if that were to happen it would be definitely my end, and no one can help me fix me, since nothing will be left to fix.