Sarcasm | Five Hargreeves

64 | i forgot how much I hate you, you puny little turd

"I'm so confused," Diego groaned, stroking his shaved beard in contemplation.

"Shocking."

Five had managed to give the Umbrellas a somewhat vague illustration of how exactly the grandfather paradox had worked, leaving each person equally puzzled as they struggled to grasp the direness of the situation, huddled around the pool table.

Y/N watched Stanley, bemused as he twirled the cue stick around his hands and punched at nothing, immersed in a fight with himself. He thumped himself on the head with the stick, dropping it in pain, before he hissed, clutching the foot he threw the stick on.

The girl shook her head, looking away from Stan to face the adults. "Well, someone killed our mothers, so we shouldn't exist, but we do, so the universe isn't cool with that."

"Big problem," Five agreed, sipping his coffee as he leaned over the pool table.

"Lay off the caffeine, tough guy," Y/N scoffed, snatching the mug from his hands. "You're gonna get all cranky again."

Five took it back, sending her a pointed glare. "I'm gonna be much worse without it, trust me."

From a few feet away, Stanley had resumed his display, letting out a battle cry as he leaped forward in a jumping snap-kick.

"Stanley!" Diego bellowed, snapping his fingers to get his child's attention. "Now is not the time to be doing karate, okay?"

"Hey, Mom said I need some practice," Stanley retorted, turning around.

Y/N snorted, looking away to hide her amusement. "No kidding."

"Hey! Dad! Auntie Y/N's being an asshole!"

"You do not talk about your aunt that way! Besides, she's right. Cause you suck," Diego twirled his knife between his fingers before throwing up in the air and catching it in his palm.

"Well I saved your pathetic ass!"

Diego halted playing with his knife as he stared Stanley down, tilting his head to the side menacingly. Allison, who leaned against the wall a few feet away, began to get increasingly frustrated by the banter, speaking up to interrupt the pair.

"Okay, hold on. Five, so we caused a paradox. What does that mean?"

"It's hard to say," Five answered, shrugging as his mind raced with different scenarios. "It's all been theoretical until now, but things have started to disappear."

"What things?"

"Right now?" Five inquired, looking up at the ceiling in thought. "Lobsters."

Klaus, who was laying on the carpet using the book as his pillow sat up instantly, a crazed expression replacing his previous brain-fried one. "A shit ton of cows!"

"My sanity," Y/N added dryly, dodging Stanley's cue stick as he continued to violently spin it around.

Five silently agreed with Y/N's offhandish comment, looking back at Viktor. "But, I have a feeling this is just the beginning."

"A feeling?" Allison piped in, an ingenuine smile creasing her face. "Aren't you retired?"

"I want nothing more," Five sighed longingly, realizing the day he wished to use for relaxation and unwinding had taken a dramatic upshot.

Five's comment seemed to push Allison off the edge of the cliff she was desperately clinging onto as she rushed forward, aggravated and annoyed. "You know, you can't keep dragging us through hell because you have an itch only an apocalypse can scratch and expect us to deal with the fallout. You're not the boss."