Sarcasm | Five Hargreeves

6 | peace on earth

Y/N stood at the doorway of Five's room, craning her neck as she watched Vanya retreat down the hallway after a brief conversation with Five. She had expressed her concern about him taking on more than he could handle with the impending apocalypse.

Back at the Umbrella Academy, Y/N and Five had secured Klaus's help for twenty dollars, tasking him with the simple job of posing as a guardian figure after their disastrous attempt at the prosthetics company.

Currently, they were trying to get a half-drunk Klaus to quiet down after his dramatic entrance, which involved tumbling out of Five's wardrobe and scattering its contents across the floor.

"That's so...touching, all that stuff about family and Dad and time. Wow," Klaus gasped, tugging at his shirt collar.

Klaus attempted to move closer to Five, trying to ruffle his hair, but the man fell over halfway as he tripped over a pot.

"Would you shut up? She'll hear you," Five snapped sharply, gesturing towards the door Vanya had exited minutes earlier.

"I'm moist," Klaus whimpered, clinging onto the wardrobe door for support.

Y/N rolled her eyes.

"Didn't you tell him to put on something professional?" Five whispered, leaning towards Y/N as he eyed Klaus's brightly colored blazer with distaste.

Klaus gasped loudly at Five's comment, placing a hand to his chest in mock offense. "What? This is my nicest outfit."

Y/N bluntly shook her head, eyeing him up to down in disagreement.

Five sighed, rubbing his eyelids in exasperation as he shook his head. "We'll raid the old man's closet."

"Whatever. As long as I get paid," Klaus shrugged as he followed Five and Y/N out of the room. "Okay, but just so we're clear in the finer details, I just gotta go into this place and pretend to be your dear old dad, correct?".

"That's the deal," Y/N replied.

"Okayyyy, then. What's our cover story?"

"What? What are you talking about?" Five stopped in his tracks and stared at Klaus, who straightened up.

"I mean, was I a really young man when I had you? Like, 16? Like, young and...terribly misguided," Klaus slammed a hand on his chest dramatically.

"Sure," Five shrugged, glancing over his shoulders to look at the time.

"Your mother, that slut. Whoever she was. We met at...the disco," Klaus chuckled.

Five rubbed his cheek impatiently and rolled his eyes as Klaus's rant continued.

"Okay? Remember that. Oh my god, the sex was amazing," Klaus drawled out, snapping his fingers.

Y/N gagged, utterly disturbed at Klaus's remarks and she quickened her step, desperate to just get the job done and distance herself from her hillbilly of a brother.

"What a disturbing glimpse into that thing you call a brain," Five grimaced, a similar reaction to Y/N as he started down the stairs. "Come on, we don't have all day."

~~~

"Like I explained to your children earlier," Lance began, his voice tinged with exasperation, "any information regarding the prosthetics we manufacture is strictly confidential. Without the explicit consent of the client, I am bound by law and company policy, and therefore cannot tell you."

Y/N sighed, leaning back on her heels and running an impatient hand through her hair. "I'm sorry, Mr. Lance," she said, her tone edged with frustration. "We're here to obtain information on the client. If we can't even identify who they are, how do you expect us to get their consent?" She inhaled deeply, tapping her fingers rhythmically against her arm.