If Only You Loved Me | ✓

Chapter 25

dedicated to people who are fighting their own internal battles everyday; you are brave for living.

TW: Suicidal Ideation, foul language, death

#####

Messenger
Aziah Florencio

ziah, mama mo 2to, sorry ha?
uwi k na, anak.

zasabihin ko naman sa papa mu. sorry.

sorry ziah, uwi ka na pls

gabi na, delikado s daan

usap naman tau aziah

mahal kita, anak

sorry talaga

aziah, i love u

ingat ka pauwi

#####

Chapter 25

When I was young, I wanted to have a father. Kapag may family day, magtataka ang mga teachers ko kung bakit si Mama lang ang nandoon. Sometimes, despite sounding insensitive, they would directly ask her where my father was—which would make my mother uncomfortable. Alam ko iyon dahil ako na mismo ang di sumasali sa mga Family Day—I would fake an illness or even break a bone just not to participate in it.

Pero bata pa ako n'on, natural na maging curious ako kung sino ba ang naging dahilan bakit hirap na hirap sa buhay si Mama. I rummaged through her closet, her purses, her jewelry boxes—and I found a picture of a man in his twenties in one of her old wallets. Nagbabakbak na ang wallet na iyon pero hindi pa n'ya itinatapon.

The man had curly locks, a smile so sweet that you would remember it right away, and he was looking straight in the picture as if he was amazed by the one who took it. Sa likod ng larawan ay isang kupas na tinta ng ballpen na lamang ang nakaukit doon.

Prince.

I would ask Mama about my father after I discovered it. She would tell stories of how great he was—and I would always find a way to disrupt her story because if he was so great then why did he leave us?

Hindi n'ya ako sinasagot.

Kaya hindi ko na ito muling tinanong sa kan'ya.

"Your mother passed away due to the severe injuries sustained in a car accident," saad sa akin ng Doctor habang nanginginig ang buong katawan ko. "I am sorry for your loss."

I rushed here as soon as the news came to me. Hingal na hingal ako dahil halos takbuhin ko ang kada sulok ng hospital para tingnan kung nasaan si Mama; only to be greeted by someone to tell me of what happened. Ang nakapagbalita pa sa akin ay iyong kapitbahay namin na madalas kausap ni Mama sa umaga. She found her near our gate; swimming in her own blood. Dinala sa hospital pero dead on arrival na.

The news were. . .a little too funny for me. Kagabi lang ay magkaaway kaming dalawa. Tapos ngayong umaga ay wala na siya? Iniwan na n'ya ako? Hindi na kami maguusap? Hindi na namin maaayos yung pinag-awayan namin?

What a sick joke. A fucking comedy!

Ako lang ang nag-asikaso sa funeral ni Mama. I didn't have anyone to lean on anymore. Naalala ko noon na kapag galing ako sa school at pagod na, Mama would take care of me even if she have just gotten out of her job. Wala pa siyang pahinga pero mas inuuna n'yang asikasuhin ako.