johnny and tequila don't mix well.
warnings: overall horribly drunken behavior, fluff
Liquor was one hell of a drug. It sounded funny, because most people would've argued that liquor was the safest alternative when it came to booze and narcotics combined, but most people hadn't seen Johnny Knoxville after nine tequila sunrises.
You were partying after what had felt like years of doing press that none of you wanted to do, and with the promise of a free weekend without a single occupational obligation, everyone was going hard.
The bar you were all holed up in for the night was turning into a complete free-for-all. Chairs had been turned on their sides, Steve-O and Ryan had already been in two fist fights with Dave (turned Darf) joining in on the second, and everyone was so wasted that it was like talking to completely new people every time you interacted with the friends that you had arrived with.
However, there was one person who was acting just like he always did; just adding enough tequila to kill a small child into the mix to spice things up a little bit. Johnny had drifted from your side as the night had gone on, which was probably how he had managed to down nine drinks loaded to the brim with tequila without being cut off, and you had actually lost sight of him in favor of talking to Jeff.
"—which is like, the main reason why you shouldn't have kids. I will literally go over to the Safeway across the street and get you a box of condoms if it means you won't get Laura pregnant." You were drunkenly relenting to him after he had off handedly admitted that he and his girlfriend Laura had been thinking of having kids. You weren't sure why your drunk brain was so against the idea, but your mouth was only as coherent as your brain, so you'd been on the topic for the past ten minutes.
"I feel like I should be recording this to play back to your happy accidents someday in the future." Jeff snickered, finishing off the last of his beer and then glancing around behind you. Suddenly, you watched as his eyes stopped and his jaw dropped slightly. "Uh, have you checked on PJ lately?"
"Fuck." You sighed, knowing by the look on his face that Johnny was doing something that you weren't going to like. You saw that look a lot in bars where Johnny's tab was on Paramount. You took a deep breath before you requested what exactly that something was. "What's he doing?"
"He's tea bagging Bam's forehead." That had not even been close to what you had been expecting to hear, and you choked on the drag of your cigarette you had just inhaled when he spoke. You then immediately whipped around in your seat, and true to Jeff's observations, Ryan was holding Bam down on a table of one of the booths behind you while Johnny literally stood over him with both dick and balls in hand.
"Oh my fucking god." You shot out of your seat, ignoring Jeff's cackling as you bolted across the space between you and the booth of debauchery. Johnny and Ryan were laughing too hard to be paying any attention to anything other than the 'task' at hand, but Bam's eyes immediately sought yours in a desperate plea for help once he spotted you.
"Get them the fuck away from me!" He screamed, wriggling aggressively in Ryan's iron grip as he tried to get away from Johnny. Jeff saying that Johnny was tea bagging Bam wasn't exactly accurate, because that would've implied that he was actually successful. In reality, he was so drunk that he couldn't stand still enough to even get near Bam's face, and every other second he was just managing to catch himself before he toppled right over.
Once Bam had called out to you, however, both of his attackers' attention was immediately drawn in your direction, and Johnny's eyes met yours about a millisecond before you were forcibly pulling him away from Bam by the back of his shirt.
