I Just Want to Be With My Wife

Somehow, I Don't Think This Was How Mario Planned to Meet Princess Peach

"Luigi?" Chives comes up to Luigi after he hangs up the customer service phone. "You ever read the paper?"

"Now and then." Luigi nods, walking away, so Chive follows him.

"Check this out. I was skimming the headlines for something juicy and look at what I found." He says.

"Red it out loud. I can't stop moving." Luigi says, so Chive does.

'Super Mario, manager of the new up and comer, Luigi the Mario Brother, says he's convinced he's gonna be the next Pat Cooper."

"What the--" Luigi starts to reach for it, right as another coworker shoves order forms at him. "Hang on."

"Helluva coincidence." Chive says. "Your name's Luigi Mario, and this comic guy has the same name. You know him?"

"Not a clue." Luigi lies, trying and failing to take the paper away from him. "There's not a picture in there, is there?"

"Nope." Chive says. "Maybe you're related. Or an uncle. You got an uncle that's a comic? Scandalous. Whoops." Chive turns to look. "Looks like I'm needed elsewhere."

"Wait!" Luigi calls, so Chive hands him the paper.

As Luigi keeps walking all over the warehouse, he reads the article.

Mario's soaking in the bathtub tripping balls when he hears a door open.

"Link?" he calls. "I ate the strudel di mele. Amazing."

Then the bathroom door opens, but instead of Link, it's a blond woman in a pink dress.

"Who are you?" She demands.

"Uh..."

"What are you doing in the bathtub?"

"Uh..."

"Why are you here?"

"Wait, I can answer that one." Mario says lazily.

"I've never seen you before in my life. You don't live in this apartment." She accuses, "Is this a robbery? Did you steal all the jewelry and take a bath for the heck of it?"

"You're not a man." Mario can't really focus on anything at the moment.

"Of course not!" the woman says in disgust. "I'm friends with who actually lives here, and I'm calling the cops right this minute unless you tell me who you are and why you're here."

"I'm affiliated with..." Mario tries, but the weed is really impacting his ability to speak. "The...guy in green."

"Luigi?" she asks. "You know Luigi? I know everyone he does, and I've never seen you with him. How do you know him?"

"The place."

"What place?"

"The uh..."

"Speak up!" she orders.

"The Boo's...Lantern." Mario finally gets out, albeit slowly.

"That place in Brooklyn covered in ectoplasm?" She shakes her head. "What does that have to do with why you're taking a bath in this apartment? Or using all the bath salts and bubble bath. You realize just a few capfuls is enough for a full tub of bubbles, right?"

"Look, can I be honest here?" Mario says. "I can't understand anything you're saying right now. I'm really, really stoned, and all I'm hearing is a bunch of words coming out of a pretty little cake topper, and if I weren't stoned, I'd be freaking out. I feel like I'm being yelled at by a baby porcelain doll."