Myocardium

Part 6

Sunday morning after my shift, I wake up at 10:30. My alarm goes off. My head's killing me, so is the bruise on my arm, stupid me has kept his head on it while sleeping. Gently, I run my fingers over the deep purple, blue and yellow skin in the crook of my elbow. Hm, it doesn't appear to be swollen. That's a good sign, I'll be fine. Behind Sasha's bedroom door, I hear Daisy giggle. Once I've gotten myself ready for the day, I knock on Sasha's door and open it to check on them. There, I find Sasha reading a book on his bed while Daisy has her legs dangling off his desk chair while drawing in her colouring book and giggling. They are listening to an audiobook-CD about some type of dinosaur and his friends or something similar, if I recall correctly. I'm not ashamed to admit, these audiobooks are damn amazing, I wish I could experience such cool adventures as this awesome dinosaur.

"Morning," I greet them with more enthusiasm than I thought I had in me. Both of them answer simultaneously, "Good morning."

"Why didn't you two wake me up?", I ask out of pure curiosity as they usually would have most likely done so. My brother looks up from his book and speaks up again, "Daisy said you looked so happy while you were sleeping, so we thought we'd let you get some more rest."

They are literally the sweetest. As I'm inspecting my sister's adorable drawings and gently petting her head doing so, I ask my siblings what they want to have for lunch, and whether macaroni and cheese sounds good. Right away, I get excited eyes looking at me. Of course, I know more than well that the two adored mac and cheese, also it's super simple in the making. As I've made the preparation of food easy for me, I have enough time to finish the homework that will be due soon – math and chem.

Since it's a rainy day, we will most likely stay inside all day and perhaps play some boardgames together. But first, I need to deliver the money to Joe's trailer, or he'll send some 'friends' of his over to make me give them the money. He doesn't mess around when it comes to paying off debts. After all three of us have had lunch together, Daisy's taking an afternoon nap and I put Sasha in charge as I leave them alone to deliver that money. Seeing how Joe is waiting by his trailer already makes me frown, he doesn't usually do this so often. His expecting greeting, I avoid skilfully and counter with a wisely chosen question while handing over the envelope. "How come you're waiting for me all the time? Have I done something you'll kill me for?"

"What? Not at all. Elijah, you know me better than that. I care about you." Joe gives me a pathetic smile. "Yeah, sure. Seriously though, why?", I continue questioning confidently, but not in a provocative way and reach for the butterfly in my pocket, just in case. It's situations like this that make me a bit wary of Joe's behaviour.

"Well, if I'm being honest, I just kind of missed your sweet lips. It's been a long time, don't you think so too?", he responded and approaches me, but I just back off and look at him in confusion.

"I thought you got yourself a girlfriend, or is she no match for me?", I speak and frown. No, I don't want to do it again, but I know that if he wants it, I have no other choice. Not with him, he knows to much about my personal life. Whatever he says, I comply out of the fear that my siblings will have to pay for it.

"Nah, bitch found out I cheated and left. You're much less trouble anyways. So, what do you say we get into that trailer of mine real quick? Promise you'll be back with the kids in half an hour," he explains and takes another step towards me. This time, I let him, without retreating.

"Sounds good," I lie confidently through ground teeth, and we get into the trailer. Unfortunately, I'm not high or otherwise intoxicated and need to suffer through it all with my brain functioning normally.

It hurts to feel comforted by my surroundings, but it feels, smells, and looks so much like my teenhood. This is so fucked up, but there's this little spark inside of me, telling me that he can protect me. It somehow tells me I shall go back to him, back to how close we used to be, physically. It says that this will make everything better and that he is the one who can protect me. But he wouldn't and I hate this thought. Too many traumatizing memories connected to my past. Then why do I want him to just hug me and never let me go ever again?! Why does his hand entangled with my hair give me some type of comfort?! I don't want to feel this way. But then, why do I?!

Regardless, when he finally lets go of my head after he is done with me, I slowly pull away and hoarsely whisper "Thank you" with tears of disgust in my eyes. Joe praises me, asks me if I need anything and points out that I can have anything from his supply cabinet. While I fix my hair, I speak so hastily as to almost cutting off his words, "Morphine. Do you have any liquid morphine?"

"Heroin? Damn, Everdeen!"

Ignoring his judgement, I push for an answer, "Now do you have it or not?"

He tells me to hold on a second and gets up to get a bottle of clear liquid, unlike the one my lovely co-worker has gifted me.

"Be careful with this stuff. This shit can kill you easier than any weed or ecstasy. I think you'd regret it if you overdosed and left the kids all alone, I know how much you care about them", Joe scolds me, but I simply roll my eyes and tell him in a calm, but threatening voice, "Joe, leave my siblings out of it. They've got nothing to do with any of this, okay?"

"Okay, okay. Calm down, big boy. I'm just telling you to be careful with this shit, understood?", he raises his voice at me, making sure I know not to talk to him in that tone again. "Got it", I say and take another look at the small bottle in my hand, diamorphine. I slip it into my pocket and thank him. Soon after leaving, I arrive at our place and immediately slip the bottle into my backpack. I'm not going to store my dark secret where the kids are around, no freaking way.

"Eli, can we play some games?", Daisy's voice catches my attention as I come back into the living room after taking my afternoon nap.

"Of course we can, princess. Sorry I'm sleeping so much. Your brother's a bit tired at this time, must be the weather, maybe," I explain myself to my little sister while Sasha's still in his room, unbothered while peacefully reading his book.

"Oh, it's okay, Eli. Everyone feels like this sometimes", she comforts me as I sit down next to her and grab her favourite card game off the table, Uno. It's quite relaxing to play, at least my brain doesn't need to think about it all that much. We play for a long time, in fact almost up until I need to leave. We only take a break where I make all three of us some grilled chicken with rice. It makes me so sad to watch Daisy's disappointed look as I leave most of my rice uneaten and barely manage to force down the chicken...again. Wow, I'm definitely setting a bad example and absolutely must do something about this, and if I can't, I need to at least manage to keep eating in front of them. I don't think I can bear watching my sister struggle with food as she grows older.