Myocardium

Part 39

 "Kids are all good. C'mon, follow me," a warm laugh escapes my lungs as I lead Rafael into my bedroom, where I take a seat in the middle of my bed with crossed legs, waiting for him to shut the door behind himself.

"Your siblings are such a delight," Rafael snickers and sits down by the edge of the mattress. He seems nervous. Why is he nervous? Great, now I'm nervous too.

"They absolutely love you," I tell him truthfully and lie down on my side, facing Rafael and patting the sheets, gesturing him to do the same. He does as I request and is soon mirroring my side-lying pose, reaching out for my hand to caress it gently. The atmosphere in my room is calm and comforting, I wish I would never have to stop gazing into his quite perfect eyes. 

I smile and open my mouth to speak again, "Rafael, I'm really glad you came over today. I enjoy spending time with you so, so much." Right now it simply feels like the right moment to say such a thing. The grip Rafael has around my fingers tightens as he whispers back, "So do I, thank you so much for inviting me. I hope you know how much I like being around you."

As if some external force moves my body in this moment, I automatically scoot a few inches closer to him, so I can remove my hand from his grip and instead put it on his shoulder to draw tiny circles, stars and hearts onto the soft fabric using the tip of my index finger. His now empty hand, Rafael guides to my side and does likewise, on a spot somewhere below my ribcage.

My legs, I have them bent at the knees, Rafael has the both of his straightened with a slight tilt towards me. Inside of me, I feel a comforting heat rise.
"I'm really glad I'm with you right now, Eli. And I still blame myself for the way we met and how I treated you, because now I know that this is the last thing you deserve," Rafael confesses, squinting his eyes to express truthful regret. 

I frown and shake my head, moving it a bit closer to his one while reassuring this embodiment of an angel, "Rafael, there is absolutely nothing you have to apologize for. If anything, you're the one that kept me alive when I was really, really close to giving up on myself. And if I had a chance to meet you again the way I did, I would one hundred per cent do so, no doubt. Rafael, I think you're the best, most caring person I've ever met in my life."

The hand that I has kept on his shoulder, I slowly move it to his cheek, where I gently stroke my thumb across his soft skin. A single tear build up in the inner corner of his eye, slowly dripping down the side of his nasal bridge. 

Concern billows out from my chest and settles in all parts of my body. Weakly, I shake my head and whisper,
"Nononono, you're okay. Rafael, I'm doing so, so much better when I'm with you. And if..." 

I hesitate and take a deep, heavy breath, continuing with an exhale,
"If my parents were alive, I know they'd pray for someone to give their son the happiness and  comfort that you give me."

Rafael's heart shatters upon me saying these dreadful words, the light leaves his expression within the matter of mere seconds. More and more tears follow the path the other one has taken down his nose. Raf's breath hitches and he sobs, moving his hips just a few inches closer to me, turning his anguished face towards my pillow, mumbling, "Eli, I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any of this. All the euphoria you make me feel, I deserve nothing of it, seriously."

Hearing him say these words followed by a sob truly tears my heart to shreds. I never want this perfect human being to say such nonsense ever again.
"Shut up," I whimper harshly and feel a tear leave my eyes too.

"How can someone so great speak so badly about himself? Don't you understand that you're fucking perfect to me? It's because of you that I truly want to live again, idiot. It's you who made me try to stop with the drugs when not even my siblings were enough of a motivation not to overdose. It's you who makes me laugh and learn to accept that there's certain things in life I just have to live with and make the most of and it's you, damnit, who made me feel all these beautiful emotions that nobody ever ." My tone is a mixture of deep pain and anger. 

I lift my hand only for a moment to point at the door in a strong, darting motion.
"Go ask my brother, I swore him just this morning that I trust you with my fucking life, and I do. Rafael...you are the first person I've ever liked this way, and I absolutely mean that," I blurt out all the things that have been stuck in my mind ever since he has been changing my life to the better.