Myocardium

Part 8

Tonight's been extremely harsh on me. First this monster of a man rapes me and then this stupid guy has to shows up only to act like he cares?! Crazy night. Even though I'd like to believe that my nights are pretty repetitive, deep inside I know that that is far from true.

It's Monday morning again, damnit. At exactly 5:30, I stand in front of our apartment door with shaky legs and a shit-ton of money in my bag. New week, new luck, huh? Still high on heroin, I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling, with quiet tears running down my temples as the memories replay on and on in my mind. 

Mindlessly, I just stare for a couple of minutes, before I yawn exhaustedly and get back up, sleeping is pointless anyway. So I decide to take yet another shower and begin preparing breakfast for us, putting it onto the dining table, simply because I have a bunch of time left and nothing better to do.

I really want to just...I don't know, sort of shoot some coffee right into my bloodstream to give me a kick of energy, but instead, I drink it pitched black as always to wake me up. I sit down on the sofa until I have to go wake up my sister. Before that, I make sure to hide the marks on my arms, chest, belly and neck by putting on a long-sleeved turtle-neck shirt. 

"Good morning, princess. It's time to get up," I gently speak to her as I open the curtains. Like a cat, she stretches her limbs and gets out of bed quickly and overly awoken. Man, I hope she keeps up that spirit for a long time. While she shuffles over to the bathroom, I chuckle pathetically as I look at my phone and seeing that – surprise, surprise – nobody gives a crap about me. It's sad that I must admit that the drug in my veins is still active and currently in the process of wearing off. Damn it, I've sworn to myself that I wouldn't be high around the kids, and yet here I am. It's just a one-time-thing, I'm definitely not doing this again.

After my siblings and I have eaten breakfast and they've left for school, I do my best to manage preparing dinner for us. As I'm on my way back to my room to get my bag so I can leave for school, I suddenly feel a terrible feeling sending waves through my body, until my whole corpse is engulfed by this crushing feeling of utter loneliness. It hits me right in the face, the realization of how alone I am. As my chest gets tighter and tighter, I let myself sink down the wall next to the door in my room, whispering to myself, "Fuck..."

Why am I so lonely? Why can't someone care about me? Why isn't there anyone who hugs me tightly and tells me that everything will be okay? Why does nobody fucking see?! Sure, I want to talk to someone and make friends – I just don't know how to do that. No one's ever taught me. Get that, I've grown up all by myself with two siblings, have lost the friends I had when my parents died, and our lives have gone downhill. You think anyone would have stayed by my side? You think anyone would have asked if I was okay?

No, nobody's ever done that. All they've done is leave. Every. Damn. Single. One. Of. Them. The pain in my chest only gets worse and I begin shivering. I'm sad, but most of all, I'm terrified. Of the future, of the clients, of Joe. Mostly...of myself. What if I can't stay strong?!

On my way to class, my head's killing me and I'm still having trouble breathing. These issues only get worse once I'm in this room full of these people. I feel like they're judging me. Staring. Reading my mind. As much as I want someone to notice what's going on, I'm also terrified by the thought of it. During our third lesson, we're called into the main hall for the 'exciting announcement of a new study-project'. 

Apparently, all biochemistry, pre-med, biology and public health major students are part of the program, since we enter the hall to the sight of many other people, all whispering and giggling like highschoolers. With my hands in the front pocket of my comfy hoodie, I sit down between two random classmates of mine somewhere in the back of the room, with one more class rowing up behind us. I think I recognize one of these faces. Isn't that the girl from biomed? Hm.