Myocardium

Part 31

By 9:00 p.m., my siblings are both in bed and I make sure to be as silent as I possibly can when leaving the flat. I feel terrified, walking down the stairway of our building, as if Joe would jump me any second. My hands begin trembling. Fuck.

Pretending like nothing's wrong whatsoever, I walk through the empty streets along our block, where the park in question is. The walk there isn't a long one, the Nighting Park is the one my siblings and I usually frequent - the one with the big, fancy playground. Admittedly, Rafael and I are kind of stupid for not agreeing on where to meet in this vast area. Yet again, I walk along the well-lit pathway until I notice the familiar silhouette of the man I know so well and yet so barely.

The paranoia inside of me remains, I feel nauseous. With all the courage I have, I walk up to him and make sure to make some noise, so he hears me. I don't have the intention of startling him again.
"Hey there," he pulls his hands out of his pockets as he turns around and spots me.
"Hi, Raf," I respond weakly and go for the mandatory hug, pressing myself against him as he uses his arms to pull me even closer.

"How was your day?" Rafael asks as he lets go of me, much too quickly for my liking. I shrug my shoulders and fake a smile.
"Just...one of those days, you know?"
As much as I try, I can't act as if nothing happened, at least not around him. 

"Do you want to talk about it?", Rafael questions carefully while we set moving in the direction of the subway nearby.
I sigh and nod my head reassuring myself than him, "Not necessarily. Don't worry, I'm just glad we got to meet today"
These words, I mean them. Even though I am scared, I know that Rafael has his ways of making me feel at ease, he always does. 

We're walking closely, with significantly less space between us than we used to keep.
"Oh, that's okay. I'm happy I get to hang out with you too. Just know that I'll be here if you need anything. Anyways, have people at college been okay to you today?"

"I guess so. Honestly, I can't even tell what's okay and what's not anymore. All I know is that I'll be fine at the end of the day." I shrug. Together, we walk until we arrive at the subway station, where a few people are waiting for their metro.
"Do you think it'll have consequences if people see us together?", I ask him quietly as we're standing by the tracks, waiting.
"No. Well, maybe, but I honestly couldn't care less," Rafael looks at me. His words run through me blankly, while I resume side-eyeing these dangerously tempting train-tracks next to us.

"I agree, but I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable." I snicker shyly and fully turn my attention towards the tracks as a mellifluous voice announces our arriving train via the PA system.

"You could never," I hear Rafael's answer that sounds so dull and distorted in my head. My mind is drowning out his words and every other noise around me. Jump. Jump. JUMP! My thoughts become loud, they scream at me to just leap onto the tracks. We are standing just close enough for me to let myself fall forward and...die. End it all right here and now. To no more pain and suffering.

My guts turn over, I suddenly feel this intense, almost ecstatic rush of excitement and terror. From one moment to another, I can feel an unfamiliar, light warmth on the palm on my hand. Rafael's fingertips. Without saying a word, he puts pressure on my hand and pulls me a step or two away from the gap in front of us, running his thumb over my knuckles carefully.

In shock, I look down at our hands, then at him. My thoughts are scaring me, they're terrifying. I know that it's not me speaking to myself, telling me to jump. I know it, because I don't usually have thoughts like this. Not anymore. Why do they have to surface again now? Still holding my hand tightly, Rafael gives me a sad smile and nods reassuringly, as if to say 'I know. It's okay, I'm right here.'.