Myocardium

Part 35

 The atmosphere between us is comforting, warm and calming.
"About what you texted me earlier...I really don't know what happened. I mean, I did run into Ben today, but I don't think anyone reported what happened. Do you know what they were arguing about?" I inquire, remembering our brief interaction via text earlier.

"Unfortunately not really, no. You said you ran into him...he didn't hurt you this time, did he?" Worry spreads across his face, Rafael immediately tenses up. 

Instinctively, I reach for his hand and place my own on top of it, startling him enough to take his mind off the topic at hand. With a weak smile on my face, I respond. 
"Don't worry about it, I'm okay. He didn't do much besides insulting me."

"Why do people have to be such assholes? If anyone, you're the last person to deserve such cruelty. I mean, if that helps you a bit, I did overhear the dean give him a serious warning, it looked like that dude finally seems to be a bit suspicious about Ben. Much too late after everything he has done to you, if you ask me, but maybe it'll get a bit better from now on."
Rafael sighs and turns his hand around, so mine now lies in the palm of his and he gently traces my knuckles with his thumb.

The warmth inside of me seems to increase as I look down at our hands, the emotions I feel engulf me entirely and make me feel sheltered from all bad in the world.

"That sounds like a good start. Maybe he'll start believing me at some point after all. The thing is, at the moment I see my situation a bit more positively. That might not be the smartest thing to do, but what else can I do, if not hope, right?" I ask the person sitting only inches away from me, so that our knees are just not quite close enough to be touching. I wouldn't mind if our knees touch, not at all. 

If the touch of his hand feels as pleasant as it does, what will the touch of his knee feel like, I wonder.

"That's a good spirit. I'll be there for you through it all, I hope you know that you never have to feel alone," Raf ensures me and softly squeezes my hand, the gaze in his eyes telling me that he means his every word.

"Thank you so much, Raf. You're helping me so much more than I think you even realise you do," I tell him truthfully, feeling my heart get all heavy, but not in a bad way. Maybe I should tell him about the way I feel, maybe he, if anyone, can help me figure out what this feeling is.

Then again, maybe I myself should be certain about the way I feel first before I drag Rafael into the tangled mess of my emotions. So instead of oversharing on the things that make me the most vulnerable, I decide to change the direction of my thoughts drastically, as my mind can't come up with a better idea quickly enough. 

Anything is better than this sort of vulnerability. 

To avoid having to look at him, I shift around in my seat a bit and scoot closer towards him, sitting straight with my knees tucked towards my chest, deliberately leaning my temple against his shoulder so he at least won't fully see my burning, embarrassed face when I lower my hands again as soon as I am out of his bare view.

My actions seems to surprise him, he's quiet, turning his head only in the slightest to see my shy, goofy simper in his peripheral vision.
"You're driving me crazy, you idiot," I mumble quietly, with no more context, and let out a deep sigh, leaning even closer against his shoulder.

As long as he doesn't question my hesitation to ask what I do not dare to ask about, it's okay. I'll take the embarrassment.

As a response, I just receive warm laughter from Raf as he rests his cheek lightly against the top of my head and puts his right hand on my left knee, not seeming to catch onto my trick.
"And you think you don't do the same to me?"