Myocardium

Part 35

 The atmosphere between us is comforting, warm and calming.
"About what you texted me earlier...it was nothing unusual, just Ben being Ben again and hitting me in the knee with a chair", I tell him, remembering that he asked me what happened via text earlier.

"Jesus, that doesn't quite sound like nothing to me, Eli. Did he hurt you?" Worry spreads across his face, Rafael immediately tenses up. Instinctively, I reach for his hand and place my own on top of it, startling him enough to take his mind off the topic at hand. With a weak smile on my face, I respond. 
"Don't worry about it, I'm okay. He didn't hit that hard, really. Guess I got lucky today."

"Why do people have to be such assholes? If anyone, you're the last person to deserve such cruelty. I mean, if that helps you a bit, I did overhear the dean give him a serious warning, it looked like that dude finally seems to be a bit suspicious about Ben. Much too late after everything he has done to you, if you ask me, but maybe it'll get a bit better from now on."
Rafael sighs and turns his hand around, so mine now lies in the palm of his and he gently traces my knuckles with his thumb.

The warmth inside of me seems to increase as I look down at our hands, the emotions I feel engulf me entirely and make me feel sheltered from all bad in the world.

"That sounds like a good start. Maybe he'll start believing me at some point after all. The thing is, at the moment I see my situation a bit more positively. That might not be the smartest thing to do, but what else can I do, if not hope, right?" I ask the person sitting only inches away from me, so that our knees are just not quite close enough to be touching. I wouldn't mind if our knees touch, not at all. If the touch of his hand feels as pleasant as it does, what will the touch of his knee feel like, I wonder.

"That's a good spirit. I'll be there for you through it all, I hope you know that you never have to feel alone," Raf ensures me and softly squeezes my hand, the gaze in his eyes telling me that he means his every word.

"Thank you so much, Raf. You're helping me so much more than I think you even realise you do," I tell him truthfully, feeling my heart get all heavy, but not in a bad way. Maybe I should tell him about the way I feel, maybe he, if anyone, can help me figure out what this feeling is.

Then again, maybe I myself should be certain about the way I feel first before I drag Rafael into the tangled mess of my emotions. So instead of oversharing on the things that make me the most vulnerable, I decide to change the topic drastically, as my mind can't come up with a better idea quickly enough. Anything is better than this sort of vulnerability. 

With a probably much too serious look on my face, the following words practically burst out of my curious mouth.
"What does it feel like?"
Now being obviously taken aback and certainly confused by what I am asking him so randomly, Rafael snickers calmly, evidently a bit puzzled by my sudden words.
"What does what feel like?"

"Sex, orgasms and all that. Like...what does it actually feel like?", I respond dead-seriously, as if I hadn't just made up this question on the spot, waiting patiently for the answer I am now half-curious to hear. It's a weird topic to switch to, I am well aware of that. See, somehow I do wish I could be brave enough to bring up the dreadful topic of feelings, but that would mean having to risk giving Rafael even more potential ways to hurt me, different means to torture me. He wouldn't, but for the fear my brain is holding onto so desperately in order to protect me, I'd rather go back to talking about something I've always known, something I am familiar with and something that essentially can no longer hurt me. Sex. No matter how uncomfortable this conversation might become, that is the worst it can be. Uncomfortable. And uncomfortable can't hurt me. 

When he processed what I am saying and can tell by the look on my face that I am being a hundred percent seriously, his expression immediately changes to a much more gentle, serious one as he begins explaining while I prepare to hear about things I don't want to put my mind to. 
"That's a tough question, the answer can vary from one extreme to another in the span of only days or even hours."